


Drive Me

by nathan_charles



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Drinking, F/F, Mild Drugs, gayyy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-06-19 22:28:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15520005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nathan_charles/pseuds/nathan_charles
Summary: “Like hell I’d do anything for you ever again” Clarke hissed quietly.“Clarke,” Lexa croaked softly. “What the hell happened to you? What happened to the woman I fell in love with?”ORAfter being betrayed by her girlfriend, Clarke was arrested for grand theft auto and sentenced to four years of prison. A year passes, and she comes back with an offer that would let Clarke walk free, but it comes at the cost of her principals.ORBasically a street racing AU





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 4,027
> 
> Chapter Rating: pg-13 for mild curse words

**_1 Year Ago_ **

“Fuck this weather” Bellamy hissed as rain pelted the windshield. The hum of the speeding vehicle almost drowned out the sound of the raging weather.

“We’re almost there Bel, go faster. I can see it’s break lights” Clarke responded. She glanced out the driver side window. It was hard to make out, but she could see Octavia managing to keep up.

“If we go any faster, we’ll be leaving Jasper, Monty, and Octavia behind” Bellamy explained, but Clarke rolled her eyes.

The blonde could feel her heart begin to race as the two red lights in front of them grew closer and closer. The adrenaline pumping through her veins felt exhilarating. The idea that they were about to do something absolutely insane was extremely stimulating.

Clarke turned to the back seat and grabbed two matte black hockey masks and black beanies to match. She handed a set to Bellamy and placed the other on her lap. Her hands tangled and battled with her long golden hair until she could pull it into a hair tie to contain it. When she grabbed the hockey mask, she could feel herself becoming unknown. The way it fit perfectly on her face felt like it gave her power.

The taillights they had been trailing we’re now close enough to initiate the plan. Clarke couldn’t help the smile tugging harshly on the corner of her lips. She glanced at Bellamy — who managed to put on his mask as well — and he pulled on his hat. When he glanced over to Clarke, she could see the same wild look in his eyes that she could feel. It was undeniable how suffocating the intensity grew, but the struggle to breathe was so bitter sweet. It was addicting.

“Alright, Jasper, let’s get this show on the road” Clarke said speaking into an earpiece curled around her ear.

“Rodger that” he responded. A few seconds later, the car trailing behind them pulled into the left lane and sped past Bellamy and Clarke. The water on the road kicked up from the car and splashed the windshield, earning a troubled scoff from Bellamy. The taillights of Jasper’s car disappeared in front of the semi they had targeted.

“O,” Clarke began, but she was quickly interrupted.

“Yeah yeah, I’m on it” Octavia said, sounding rather bored. Clarke frowned as the second car that had been trailing behind pulled into the left lane. Instead of disappearing like Jasper had, Octavia lingered to the side of the semi.

“Alright Monty, make me proud” Bellamy said, cutting into Clarke’s authority. The blonde grimaced. She hated it whenever he cut into her authority.

“Be right there” Monty replied. The final car that was speeding behind them pulled into the right lane. Clarke watched as Monty did the same thing as Octavia had. They officially had the semi surrounded.

It was time for step three. The first two steps had gone smoothly. Finding the semi was easier than stealing candy from a baby, and flanking the large truck was quicker than saying supercalifragilisticexpialidocious twice. Even though it had been a cinch up until this point, the hardest part was about to commence.

Clarke unbuckled her seat belt and crawled into the back seat. Her fingers found the button to slide open the sun roof and the rain immediately infiltrated, soaking the black leather seats. Before she could poke her head out of the window, Bellamy grabbed Clarke’s wrist.

“Be careful” He said, his tone was dark and riddled with concern. Clarke scoffed and pulled his hand off of her.

“I’ll be fine Bel,” she began. “Just get me close enough to that trailer, and we’ll have the fastest car on the strip. We’ll be making more bank than ever before” before Bellamy could reply, Clarke slowly poked her head out of the sunroof. The rain pelted her and stung her skin as she carefully crawled out. When she had a solid grip on the vehicle, the sunroof closed behind her.

Clarke gasped as she struggled to keep her gaze on the trailer door of the semi. It felt like the drops were ripping into her skin.

“Jasper!” Clarke shouted into the earpiece. She slowly crawled on to the windshield and winced when her foot slid a little. Through out all the excitement, she never figured how slippery the car would be. 

“Get the semi to slow down. Octavia, Monty, fire warning shots if he doesn’t” Clarke continued to shout. Sounds of confirmation were too difficult for Clarke to hear considering the ear shattering hum bellowing from the car and the harsh rain bouncing off of the vehicles.

A few seconds passed when she heard a gun shot and glass shattering. Clarke cursed as a few shards flew past her. She had half a mind to curse the hell out of Octavia and Monty for shooting through the window, but she decided to take a mental note and curse them out later. Right now she needed to get to step four, hopping on to that trailer.

The front bumper of Bellamy and Clarke’s car inched closer and closer to the trailer. Slowly, the blonde inched closer to the edge. She couldn’t help but gulp. Her thoughts intruded her confidence, screaming that if she slipped, she would be crow food in a matter of seconds. The image of her body minced and mangled on the side of the road with the trash birds picking at her flesh would not escape her mind.

The struggle to calm her nerves was not easy. Instead of worrying about slipping, she focused on the searing pain granted to her by the rain. When she was ready, Clarke slowly stood to her feet. The hood of the car indented under her weight, and a chill rattled her spine. Taking a deep breath to calm down, she inched closer and closer.

The gap between the car and the trailer appeared to be jumpable, but Clarke’s anxiety was starting to get the best of her. Scenarios of her foot slipping after the leap of faith, or failing to get a proper grip attacked her nerves. Bellamy managed to get the car closer, but the distance still made Clarke uneasy.

“If I die,” Clarke begins into the earpiece. “Tell Lexa that I love her” she said. Still unable to make out what her friends were saying, she steeled her nerves. Her foot stepped backwards and she tested her jumping stance, making sure she could perform properly. She knew she was just procrastinating, but who could blame her? If she missed this jump, her face would be under Bellamy’s tires. Not only would she be dead, she knew Bellamy couldn’t live with the guilt. It was all the more reason to stick the landing.

Before she knew it, Clarke was soaring through the air. Time seemed to slow down as her hand stretched for the door handle. She felt her fingers wrap around the steel wet handle and her body slammed into the door. Since the handle was without a doubt wet, she felt herself slip down. She held on for dear life as the back of her shoes skid on the tar.

“FUCK!” Clarke exclaimed as she struggled to hold up her feet.She could feel the heels of her shoes slowly disappear each time they touched the ground. Her muscles screamed, telling her she couldn’t hold on like this for much longer. She struggled to lift her feet up a little further.

Eventually, Clarke’s heels found the bar they were looking for. When she regained her balance, she took a moment to stand a little straighter, relaxing the strain she had just traumatized her muscles with.

Her blue gaze scanned Bellamy’s car, and when she saw his face, she gave him a thumbs up. He looked as though he had a heart attack. She couldn’t blame him, she would be the same if she almost watched one of her friends die.

Clarke turned around to face the door. She grasped the latch and lifted it up. After a deep breath, Clarke pulled on the door. It took much of her strength to pry it open enough for her to squeeze inside. They must have hit a sharp turn because the trailer shifted and Clarke slammed into the wall. She grimaced at the pain and struggled to approach a tarp covering a massive object in front of her.

Lifting the tarp, Clarke’s eyes widened when she saw the car sleeping underneath. The sound of something being thrown into the trailer caught her off guard. A pair of bolt cutters were sitting on the bed, courtesy of Bellamy.

Clarke quickly grabbed the bolt cutters and began snapping the chains that held the car down. Each snip was like music to the blonde’s ears. She tossed the cutters aside and struggled to make out the car’s details in the darkness. Eventually, she recognized the shape of the car to be a 700hp Viper complete with a glossy red paint job and a thin racing stripe on the side.

It was a shame, but Clarke bashed her elbow into the window and pieces of glass shattered everywhere. Luckily, the alarm didn’t go off, she she entered the vehicle easily.

 Having stolen many cars in her high school career, Clarke knew exactly how to hot wire a car. Once she worked her magic, the car roared to life. The sound of the engine made her toes curl. She had never felt such power.

“Alright, Jasper you need to get him to slow down more again. Bellamy, get the fuck out of the way” Clarke said into the headset. She received and affirmative from Jasper as soon as she finished speaking.

“I can’t believe you pulled it off” Clarke heard Bellamy say. She could hear the disbelief in his voice.

“You’ve always underestimated me, Bel” she replied.

Clarke put the car into reverse. She slammed on the gas and before she knew it, the vehicle hit the ground bumper first. After cursing a few times, knowing she’d have to replace it now, struggled to gain control of the vehicle as it swerved on the road. The wheels screamed and violated Clarke’s eardrum.

As soon as she gained control, the blonde knew she needed to get off this road as soon as she could. She needed to hide this car right away.

Little did she know, her efforts would prove to be meaningless. She never thought that the police would come out of nowhere. She never thought that they would catch her in this car. And she never thought that she would see the love of her life step out of the passenger side of a police car dressed in an FBI uniform.

_**Present Day** _

“Inmate Griffin,” the voice of a guard boomed into the recreational room. Clarke looked up from her sketch book with a harsh glare. Everyone knew not to fuck with her when she was drawing, even the guards.

“The hell do you want?” Clarke hissed, earning an unappreciative glare from the guard. He stepped into the room with his thumbs tucked into his pocket, and carried himself with big dick energy.

“You have a visitation request” He rasped as she crouched down and smacked the sketch book out of Clarke’s grasp. She closed her eyes to keep calm, but the pencil in her hand snapped as a result.

“Go see your counselor, now” his voice seemed to get more threatening. She focused on breathing slowly. It was hard not to lose her temper, especially after having been in this hell hole for the past year. It felt like it was burning inside her.

“Yes, sir” she emphasized on the sir. He backed away from her face and suddenly she felt like she could breathe again.

Clarke stood up from her chair and bent over to grab her sketch book off of the floor. She fixed a few of the pages and began her exit out of the recreational room. After a few steps down the hall, she stopped in front of Maya Vie’s office, her designated counselor. 

“Clarke,” Maya began, calling to her attention. Maya was the only person in this damn prison that used people’s first names. 

“Who the hell want’s to see me?” Clarke didn’t waste time getting to the point. She didn’t even bother sitting in one of Maya’s chairs when she entered. Maya seemed to nervously clear her throat.

“Well you have two, but one of them isn’t a request. A man named Bellamy Blake has called and put in a request that you add him to your visitor list” Maya explained, but the look on Clarke’s face appeared uninterested.

“What’s the other one?” Clarke asked, and Maya gave her a nervous look. She could tell that Maya wasn’t comfortable.

“Uh, well, promise you won’t kill the messenger?” She asked, and Clarke rolled her eyes and nodded. “Okay so, Lexa Woods has demanded you see her. Unfortunately you’re unable to decline this meeting, and I have no clue why, but...” Clarke’s eyes went dark and Maya trailed off when she noticed. 

“Bull shit! I’ll never see that fucking bitch again. If I do I swear to God I’ll kill her with my bare hands” Clarke growled, slamming her fists down on Maya’s desk. She jumped at the loud bang. She pushed up her glasses and sifted nervously in her seat.

“I’m sorry Clarke, but if you refuse this, you’ll be sent to the retention cells” Maya replied, tripping over a few of her words. Clarke’s face was burning bright red with anger. Maya knew Clarke wouldn’t go back to those cells. Somehow, the prison was able to get away with mistreating the inmates when they were in those cells. It wasn’t something a large portion of the guards agreed with, but everybody knew about it, and didn’t say anything about it.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!” Clarke exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. She was so angry.

Why the fuck did Lexa demand to see her? What the hell did she have to say? Whatever it was, Clarke didn’t want to hear it. She never wanted to see Lexa ever again, not after what she did.

“You can add Bellamy to my list, but you’ll have to slit my throat before I ever see that cunt ever again” Clarke spat. No matter what, she refused. Throw her in the retention cells, for all she cared. As long as she didn’t have to see Lexa’s face ever again, she was fine with the torture.

“Actually, I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed” Clarke froze when she heard those words. She slowly turned to the door way. Standing with her arms crossed, her chin held high, and legs spread in a dominant manner was none other than Lexa Woods.

Clarke didn’t say anything. Her blue eyes were wide with a fire-like gaze, a furrowed brow, and a clenched jaw. She stood straight with her fists balled up, her knuckles turning white. The feeling of her nails digging into the palm of her hand stung, but Clarke didn’t care if she ended up drawing blood. As long as it kept her from breaking Lexa’s neck...

“I thought we could have a chance to talk, Clarke” the way her name rolled of Lexa’s tongue made her sick. It was as if she thought she knew Clarke. She had no clue who Clarke was now.

Clarke remained wordless. She was afraid that if she opened her mouth, she wouldn’t stop screaming. Hell, she was afraid to blink, because if she moved, she wasn’t sure if she could hold her body back.

Taking the hint, Lexa frowned and turned to close the door behind her and shit the blinds so nobody could look in. She took a step towards Clarke, who flinched and took a step back. Lexa opened her mouth to say something, but instantly decided not to speak her mind.

“Should I grab a guard or...?” Maya asked, but Lexa shook her head and revealed the gun perched on her hip. 

“I believe I can handle her myself” Lexa replied, and Clarke’s jaws tightened. If she put any more pressure on her teeth, she was sure that they would snap.

“Clarke, why don’t you have a seat?” Lexa asked, gesturing to one of the chairs. Clarke didn’t budge, nor did she speak. Instead she stared straight into Lexa’s expressionless gaze. How could she look so unaffected?

“I don’t think you understand that my suggestion wasn’t exactly a suggestion” Lexa’s words sounded threatening. The green eyes Clarke had once lived for narrowed.

“And I don’t think you understand that if I move right now, I can’t promise I won’t fuck up that pretty face” Clarke finally rasped. She noticed Lexa shift, but her expression was unwavering. Her words almost completely unaffected the brunette.

“Alright, fine” Lexa said. She moved to sit in one of the chairs. Clarke felt the air suck out of her lungs as Lexa sat down and made herself comfortable.

“What do you want from me? If I remember correctly, you’re still a needy bitch, right?” Hissed Clarke, but her tone didn’t bother Lexa at all. It managed to piss Clarke off further, how much she didn’t show a care in the world.

“There’s no need to be rude to someone who’s trying to help you” Lexa replied, her tone sounding bored. She glanced at her nails and crossed a leg over the other.

How could she sit there like nothing had ever happened between them?

“Oh, yeah, I feel so helped. Y’know, thank you for sending me to prison” Lexa gave Clarke a glare when she spoke. It seemed that Clarke had actually hit something in the brunette.

“After I told you to never say anything incriminating around me, you did anyways. You didn’t listen” Lexa replied.

Maya sat awkwardly behind her desk and cleared her throat. Both women turned to her with fierce glares staring her down. It reminded her of when she used to do marriage counseling.

“Uh, m-maybe we should talk about why you’re here” Maya stammered. She ignored the fact that this was what she’d usually say at the beginning of a marriage counsel.

“Sounds ideal” Lexa replied. “Clarke, I’ve come here with an offer” she continued, but Clarke didn’t look interested.

“I don’t want to hear it” Clarke rasped. She could see the patience slowly leave Lexa.

“I believe you have three years left, correct? I can make that all go away” Replied Lexa. She noticed the look on Clarke’s face change.

“Now why would you wanna do that? After you put me here” Lexa clenched her jaw at Clarke’s low hate-ridden tone.

“I never wanted you to end up here, Clarke. This was the last thing I wanted” Lexa’s tone seemed to sound sincere, but Clarke had no reason to believe her. Not after all the lies she’d told Clarke.

“Just tell my why the hell you’re here” Clarke rasped. She crossed her arms, managing to calm herself down a little. The anger she felt still festered, burning her insides. She would kill for a drink right now.

“As of recently, there’s been a massive turf war going on. Have you ever heard of Ontari?” Clarke’s ear twitched at the familiar name when Lexa finished.

“Yes,” Clarke began, nodding. “She almost took out one of my crew after she lost a race. I would have thought you knew that, considering you wiggled your way into my bed and my business” she saw Lexa flinch. She smirked knowing how hard it had to be for Lexa to remain neutral.

“Well she’s managed to take over your whole territory after your arrest and now we have reason to believe she’s been peddling drugs and selling stolen car parts” Lexa explained. Clarke fake yawned and rolled her eyes.

“And?” She asked, quirking an eyebrow. She noticed Lexa clench her jaw again. She gripped the chair’s armrest until her knuckles turned white. Clarke couldn’t help the excitement of wanting to keep pushing Lexa.

“And, if you drive for us and get us close to Ontari, I’ll see that you’re free to walk about. I’ll even reduce your fine” Lexa responded.

Clarke’s look went dark again. Lexa expected Clarke to drive for the FBI? Like hell she would. The last thing Clarke would do was be a rat, a sell out. She would never become a snitch.

The thought of betraying her scene began to boil her rage. Clarke took a few steps towards Lexa and bent over so their eyes were level. She stared straight into Lexa’s green eyes before she gripped the brunette’s collar and pulled her up off of the chair.

Lexa gasped and stumbled as Clarke pushed her against the wall, gripping on to her shirt collar tightly. The look on Clarke’s eyes burned.

“Like hell I’d do anything for you ever again” Clarke hissed quietly. She had finally broken Lexa’s façade. Her green eyes flickered into sadness. She looked up at the ceiling to keep her eyes from watering.

Upon seeing Lexa struggle, Clarke faltered a little, but she refused to let up. When Lexa’s gaze returned to Clarke’s, her pale forest green eyes looked sad. She reached up and placed her hand on Clarke’s soft cheek, making her flinch.

“Clarke,” Lexa croaked softly. “What the hell happened to you? What happened to the woman I fell in love with?” Lexa’s words struck Clarke hard. She hadn’t expect those words come out of Lexa’s mouth. She expected anger and harsh words, not this.

Clarke let go of Lexa and shoved her away harshly. She couldn’t keep looking at Lexa, she had heard enough. In order not to be near Lexa, Clarke walked to the other side of the room and faced away from her former lover. It was the best she could do.

“Please, Clarke, think about it. I’m trying to make things right” Lexa’s words didn’t prompt Clarke to turn around. She continued to face away until the door opened and closed behind her.

Make things right? She wanted to make things right? Ridiculous. They could never be “right” ever again. She’d been in this hole for about a year. She’d gotten into fights, been treated like scum by the guards, and struggled to keep down the food they fed the inmates.

Clarke didn’t have any friends in here either. She mostly kept to herself. The crowd in this prison was rather rough, so she preferred to hang out with the least amount of people possible. She just kept to her art and reading. Sometimes she managed to buy books from the prison store with money from her “job” she worked.

Considering she was arrested for grand theft auto, she wasn’t allowed to be a driver, one of the most coveted jobs. She unfortunately was assigned to laundry detail. The people who worked with her were gossips, and frankly, the most annoying people she’d ever met.

Sometimes the only thing that could get her through the day was the homemade hooch she would make and stored in the laundry room’s ceiling. Today seemed like the kind of day to take a few swigs after work detail.

“Do you think you’ll do it, Clarke?” Maya asked, sucking her back into reality. Clarke turned to her assigned counselor and sighed.

“I don’t know if I can do something like that. I would betray everything I’d believed in. As much as I want to be free, I want my dignity as well” Clarke explained, and Maya smiled nervously.

“Clarke, you’re in prison. Your dignity was stripped from you when they first cavity searched you” Maya pointed out. Clarke opened her mouth to argue, but the woman had a point. She didn’t have anything as long as she was behind bars. Not even her friends had visited her here, at least not until Bellamy requested to see her.

“I think I need time to think” Clarke said, and left without another word. Could she really do it? Betray her favorite thing in the world, street racing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I’m excited, although I’m currently working on another fic as well so chances of this being updated as often are kinda slim. Bare with me though ! This will be a main priority soon.  
> I would also like to note than I am not a professional and I write this for fun!  
> Thank’s for reading my dudes, until next time !


	2. Crossfade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 4,543
> 
> Chapter Rating: Mature for use of profanity and drugs use
> 
> ✦ — Switches to Bellamy’s POV for a bit

_**1 Year and 7 Months Ago** _

The bass echoed through out the garage as some fool with an aux chord played music common to the crowd. Cars illuminated all sorts of colors and engines roared as people entered the vast underground space. Beer cans and bottles littered around every corner, making it impossible to get anywhere without knocking one over.

Clarke sat on the hood of her car as she scanned the area with an icy blue gaze. To simply put it, she was bored and unamused. Nothing she saw impressed her, although it was difficult to please her in the first place. As of late, the feeling of disappointment appeared to be a popular theme every time she came to the garage.

Nobody would challenge the blonde, and it was getting annoying. As much as she lived for finally being the top dog, there was nothing to put her efforts towards. What was the point in coming to the garage if everyone refused to race her?

“Clarke,” the blonde glanced towards the voice and smiled when her gaze rested on Bellamy. “Bored yet?” He asked, and she rolled her eyes in response.

“Of course, there’s no purpose to me being here if nobody will hike up their panties and give me a run for their money” Clarke replied as she let herself fall back on to the hood of her car. She exhausted a bitter sigh and closed her eyes.

“Do you want to just leave?” Bellamy asked, and Clarke didn’t open her eyes. Instead she furrowed her brow, giving the suggestion deep a thought.

She could up and leave the garage, but not only was she here to race, she was here to show her dominance. A king couldn’t rule his castle if he never allowed his subjects to bask in his glory. And that’s what Clarke was doing, letting her subjects revel in the same oxygen as her.

“No” Clarke finally responded. “I don’t want to look like a wuss. Besides, you guys have some races scheduled, right? Wouldn’t wanna leave and miss all the victories” She elaborated, and although she couldn’t see it, she could tell Bellamy nodded understandingly.

“Want a cigarette?” Bellamy asked, and Clarke sat up suddenly. He smirked at her reaction and handed her the death stick. It was a nasty habit, she knew that, but showed no regret. There was no point in worrying about the future when the present called for too much attention.

“I ran out this morning. I haven’t had time to stop” She confessed and placed it between her lips. Bellamy handed her a lighter but she refused it and took out one from her pocket.

The moment she lit the end, the roar of an engine entering the underground garage echoed in her ears. She glanced to see who it was, but was caught off guard by the unfamiliar Corvette. Her eyes narrowed, trying to see who the driver was, but the lighting wasn’t bright enough to expose more than a rough outline.

“Who the hell is that?” The blonde heard Bellamy say. At least he shared her confusion.

But Clarke couldn’t tear her eyes away from the Corvette. The way the dim light bounced off the glossy rouge curves of the sleek body ignited interest in the blonde. She couldn’t help but wonder if this new comer, this mysterious person, would make or break her night. The question posed in her mind was whether or not she should go to the driver, or let the driver come to her. Her pride suggested the latter, but her boredom purposed an alternative.

“Go find out who that is” Clarke commanded, glancing and Bellamy before returning her gaze to the ZR1. “Get them to make my night” Bellamy quirked his eyebrow at her before shrugging off the fact he suddenly felt like the blonde’s lackey. He was more than that, but he understood Clarke’s frustrations enough to do what she said.

The blonde watched her friend mosey over towards the Corvette which was now parked a few spaces down. She took a long drag from the cigarette perched between her lips as her eyes narrowed, focusing on the door. She waited impatiently for the person to exit.

When the car door flung open, Clarke struggled to maintain her stoic nature. Stepping out of the vehicle was the most enchanting woman she had ever laid eyes on. Her actions had been graceful and poised with refinement. The way she carried herself told Clarke that she hadn’t the usual personality of the many racers she’d encountered through the years. Most racers acted with a large head, thinking they were bigger than life just because they had a fancy car and could drive fast, but this woman... This woman _was_ bigger than life.

When Bellamy finally reached her, Clarke’s stomach lurched. She watched the woman’s lips move, but couldn’t understand what they were saying. Judging by Bellamy’s body language — leaning on the Corvette with a bastardly smirk — he was trying to flirt. The woman appeared unaffected by what he was doing, making Clarke figure she was either unaware that Bellamy was trying to be smooth, or uninterested in him completely.

Bellamy must have said something that peaked her interest because Clarke noticed her shift her weight hesitantly. The woman turned her attention towards the blonde, and their eyes met from across the space. Clarke couldn’t quite make out the woman’s eye color, considering the vast space wedge between them, but she could tell the woman was suddenly interested.

The woman began to approach Clarke. Her hips swayed with confidence and her long brunette hair that had been tangled in numerous braids flowed effortlessly behind her. Clarke had been with many men and women, all of different variations, but she had yet to met someone who walked with more purpose. 

Clarke felt herself slide off the hood of the car before the enchanting woman stood before her. Her gaze met the woman’s realizing they were an alluring limpid green. Everything about this woman had truly begun to intrigue the blonde. Bellamy must have said something regarding Clarke’s status, because the woman lowered her face at her with respect.

“I understand you’d like to race?” The woman’s tone was serious and formal, more than Clarke would have liked. She wasn’t used to being formal with people, not down here, not around the hooligans that spoke so uncouthly.

“I’d like more than to just race” Clarke began, narrowing her gaze playfully. “I’d like to win” the woman raised a brow and smirked.

“Then I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed” Clarke couldn’t help but smirk at the woman’s words. She was bold, the blonde gave her that.

“I think we just might have to put that to the test, because I don’t believe you” Clarke declared. She bit her lip as their gaze remained unwavering.

“Lexa. Lexa Woods” the woman introduced, holding out her hand to shake Clarke’s. The blonde couldn’t hold back her scoff and dropped her cigarette to the ground and squashing it with her foot.

“Clarke Griffin” she replied and took Lexa’s forearm instead of the usual handshake she was expecting. Clarke didn’t feel the need to be as formal as the brunette.

“Show me what you can do, Lexa Woods” The blonde said, her voice low with a serious tone. She noticed something dangerous flicker in Lexa’s eyes, something that made a shiver travel down Clarke’s spine and goosebumps prickle excitingly.

This woman was definitely going to give Clarke a run for her money.

_**Present** _

“God, I need to get fucked by something other than life” Clarke groaned as the couch cushions consumed her. She relished in the comfort of the fluffy cushions. Having slept on the stiff cots at the prison had done a number to her back for sure.

“Then maybe you should call Lexa, since you’re apparently associating yourself with her again” Raven replied, lumbering over Clarke with her hands on her hips. The rude tone seemed to ignite a blue torrent of fury in Clarke’s gaze as she sat up defensively.

“Oh hell no. Like I would ever do that” Hissed Clarke and pitched one of the couch pillows at Raven’s face. “And I don’t even know why you’re giving me shit. She told me you guys lost our status. I’m only back to fix that” Raven didn’t seem to be swayed by the blonde’s explanation. Instead she smacked Clarke with the pillow.

“That doesn’t change the fact you work for the FBI now” Clarke scoffed at Raven’s words, but the brunette angrily smacked the blonde with the pillow again. Getting even more flustered by Raven’s incessant smacking, the blonde ripped the pillow away to prevent it from happening again.

“Oh please. They want me to catch Ontari. That’s a cinch. Once I do that, we can disappear. I know for a fact that you and Monty can make that happen” Everything Clarke said to argue her case didn’t seem to lift the stubborn veil clouding Raven. She continued to loom over Clarke with her nose held high with pride and her eyes said resentment.

“Would you two quit bickering? I’m trying to work” both Raven and Clarke glared over at Monty who was sitting in front of a computer, typing away. “Somebody has to work and pull Jasper’s weight, considering he lost his car last month” Clarke rolled her eyes.

“How many times have I told you guys not to waste your time with pink slip races?” She deadpanned. This prompted Monty to stop typing and look over his shoulder with his lips pulled back in a snarl.

“Maybe if you were here to remind us, we wouldn’t be in this situation” Monty argued. Clarke couldn’t hold back a long flustered groan, throwing up her hands in defeat. Monty was right, but she was back now, and here to make things go back to what they were.

It was the same argument over and over again. It had been a week since Clarke’s release, and no matter how many times she apologized, it made no difference. The only person who didn’t give her constant shit was Bellamy. He was the only person who understood Clarke’s reasoning, and she was thankful someone who understood.

“Alright you guys, stop. Raven, you have a race to get to in an hour, I suggest you cool down. And Monty, you’re doing good work, thank you” this was Bellamy’s way of defusing things. He was always a good peace keeper between his friends, but not so much during a turf war. He let his heart lead the crew, and as grateful as Clarke was for him stepping in and running everything while she was gone, he didn’t put enough thought into his actions to keep the crew from hitting the bottom.

The crew’s fame had plummeted when Clarke was arrested, just as Lexa had said. It was almost painful to see her friends in this state. They struggled to keep the house they all shared, and Clarke couldn’t help but pity them. Monty worked for a tech company, Raven worked as a welder at a small auto shop, Bellamy and Octavia worked at a bar together, and Jasper sold weed. Clarke didn’t really approve of Jasper’s choice of profession, but at least he could cover his share of rent.

“Clarke, O and I have to go to work soon. Are you gonna stop by the bar later?” He asked, and Clarke nodded.

“Take Jasper with. He hasn’t been out of the house in days” Monty chimed in after he returned to his computer.

“Yeah, I will” Clarke replied, and Bellamy nodded.

The room fell silent except the occasional clicking of Monty’s keyboard. Raven had walked away to the kitchen to look for food. Bellamy gave Clarke’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before heading to his room, leaving her to sit quietly on the couch.

“Clarke, I have a question” Monty suddenly said, capturing the blonde’s attention. He swiveled around on his chair to face her. The look in his eyes clouded with a stern — yet curious — look.

“Why did you tell Lexa about the plan to steal the car?” He asked, and Clarke shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Her back became ridged as she thought about her answer. Sadness tugged at her chest when she found the words she knew she had to confess.

“The same reason why you told Harper” Clarke began, her voice cracking from the painful memories of Lexa. “I loved her deeply, Monty. More than I had loved anyone. I thought I could trust her with my life” the blonde dropped her eyes to the shaggy carpet, unable to keep looking at Monty. A dark cloud of shame hung above her, waiting for Monty to provoke it and soak her with regret.

“I don’t know if you want to hear this, and I know very well I might be shunned for saying it, but I believe that Lexa did love you, Clarke” the blonde looked up at Monty with confusion as he spoke. She hadn’t expected him to say anything like that. She expected something more along the lines of you should have known and she was shifty from day one.

Monty often had different opinions than everyone else, but that was why everyone loved him. He always had a different view on things, and it proved to be helpful on many occasions. Whenever anyone needed validation on something, they would ask Monty and he would tell them something a little different than what they wanted to hear, and elaborated why it should be _this way_  and not _that way_.

“I don’t know, Monty...” Clarke trailed, unsure of where he was going with this conversation. Was he trying to make her feel better? It wasn’t working very well. The last thing Clarke wanted to talk about was Lexa. It was bad enough she had to call her ex girlfriend and give her a status update every day.

“Have you even thought about it?” He asked, and Clarke shook her head. “Why not?” the blonde’s eyes narrowed at the man leaning forward in his chair.

“I don’t know, usually sending your girlfriend to jail isn’t something you do out of love” sneered Clarke sarcastically. Monty didn’t entertain her answer. He remained forbearing with a hint of question.

“She was apart of our crew for about, what? Seven months? And you guys were like, together for six and a half of those months, correct?” Monty’s words were beginning to feel like an interrogation. Anger began to flare up Clarke’s chest, and the hair on her arms began to rise. She wasn’t enjoying this conversation one bit.

“And your point?” Clarke’s tone questioned Monty, and he could sense the blonde’s skepticism. Seeing Clarke begin to fray made him take a deep breath so that he didn’t enter the place she was in.

“My point is, Clarke, that she could have had all of us arrested months before you got caught. Hell, she could have arrested us all on day one, but she didn’t, did she? Why would she spend so much time getting to know us and spend time doing all the illegal things that we did if she didn’t love you?” Clarke’s lips parted in shock as Monty barraged her with his explanation. Her shock didn’t last long considering she still didn’t understand why they were having this conversation. Before Clarke could say anything, he squeezed his eyes shut and held up a finger for her to stop. She obeyed the silent order and bit her tongue to keep from saying anything anyways.

“If you want get the job done quickly, you need to spend more time with her. I’m not trying to take her side, Clarke, but the reason you’re not as far as you should be in this investigation is because you haven’t taken the initiative to get there, nor have you given her enough time in your day to launch a plan of attack. If she were any other FBI agent, she would be dragging you by the ear and making you submit. Hell, if I were your FBI agent, that’s what I would do. Now get your shit together and make yourself useful instead of live on our couch”

Monty’s words had been harsh, yet realistic. He made many valuable points, but Clarke didn’t want to believe them. She couldn’t.

For the sake of her sanity, Clarke had spent so much time convincing herself that she hated Lexa. She would make lists in her head of each flaw the brunette had. They usually ranged from being an undercover FBI agent to changing the radio station while the blonde was driving. Everybody knew that it was customary for the driver to be DJ.

Unfortunately, this tactic no longer worked. The moment she saw Lexa in prison riddled the lists ineffective, because for every horrible thing she could dig up, a redeeming memory tagged along. Instead, she would feel an irrational anger build up whenever the brunette was around. Irrational because Clarke couldn’t understand why her hatred wouldn’t stick. It increasingly frustrated her because she wanted more than anything to forget the heartened smile Lexa always gave her when they woke in bed together every morning.

And now, after blatantly ripping Clarke out of her week long brood, Monty unknowingly opened a box that Clarke had locked away inside her a year ago. It contained the reality of Lexa and the root of her anger. The truth was, Clarke undeniably loved Lexa even though her betrayal stung more than the time she flew off of a dirt bike and broke her arm at age twelve. The anger festering inside her, on the other hand, was all directed towards herself.

Clarke had been foolish. Foolish enough to believe that she could do all these things and not expect consequences. Street racing, love, stealing, all of it. Everything came with a cost whether it be physically or mentally, and it was too much for Clarke. It was too much for her pride and ego that she had to label her anger Lexa’s fault and not her own. In the end, it had been Clarke’s choice to race cars illegally, her choice to trust Lexa, and her choice to steal that car. Nobody forced her arm.

“I’m sorry, Monty” Clarke mumbled quietly. It felt like a large cement brick weighed on her chest. Tears stung her eyes, threatening to stream down her cheeks. The the best way to describe the pain she suddenly acquired was an old gash oozing blood after being reopened due to trauma. She felt as if she would bleed to death by the pain of it.

“Clarke,” Monty began, realizing he had clicked something in Clarke. The words he wanted to say escaped him when an aching smiled pulled on the corners of the blonde’s lips.

“I think I’ll go to Bellamy’s bar early. Can you tell him and Octavia to drag Jasper with them? I think I’ll walk” Clarke replied, focusing her gaze on a small splotch on the ceiling. She figured if she kept her eyes open and stared in one spot, the tears wouldn’t fall. Betraying her ideology, a tear fell anyways. She felt so exposed, and so small.

Clarke quickly got up off the couch and pulled on a pair of her old converse, ignoring the sound of Monty’s protests. She was out the door and down the street within seconds. Her feet scraped along the sidewalk as she mindlessly walked into the direction of the bar, licking her lips with the determination for the distraction waiting for her in a glass with ice and whisky.

_**✦** _

“Hello? Clarke?”

“No, sorry, this is Bellamy”

Bellamy stood behind the bar with a grimace on his face, and an annoyed look clouded his eyes. He held Clarke’s phone against his face while he poured a drink for someone. When he gave the person their drink, he began working on another one.

“Why are you calling me on Clarke’s phone? Where is she?” Bellamy was getting impatient with every question imposed on him. Leave it to a federal agent to ask too many questions.

“Relax, she’s here at the bar with me. She’s currently lying on the floor” Bellamy peeked over the counter to make sure she was still there and hadn’t run off. Clarke was a flighty person when she drank too much tequila.

“Nooooo, don’t tell her that” he heard Clarke whine and slur. He scoffed at the sight of Clarke sprawled on the ground. As fun as blonde was when she was shit faced, she was more of a hindrance to sober Bellamy.

“She told me to call you and give her status report for the day” The brunette man said into the phone. He earned a sigh from the other side of the line.

“Which is what, exactly?” Another question. How could someone have so many questions?

“Tell her I’m fiiiine fuckin dand-ayeeeee” Clarke shouted, earning a wince from Bellamy. If she was going to keep being this loud, his boss, Indra, would make him kick her out.

“Jesus Christ, Clarke” Lexa mumbled from the other side of the phone.

“You heard her then?” Bellamy asked. Of course Lexa heard her. Everybody in the bar heard her.

“Has she done anything productive today, at all?” Yet another question. Lexa must be the FBI’s leading interrogator, considering six out of the seven sentences she spoke were questions.

“I’m not her guard dog. All I know is that she lives on our couch and walked to the bar today. That’s it. Is that all you need or do you need to interrogate me further?” The silence from Lexa told Bellamy she wasn’t appreciating his sarcasm.

“One more actually. Has she eaten?” This made Bellamy pause. His first thought was why the hell Lexa wanted to know, but then his mind began to backtrack on his day. Despite his earlier answer of not knowing much about Clarke’s day, he had spent most of his morning binge watching Netflix with the blonde. He remembered asking her if she wanted anything to eat and she responded with a no.

“I don’t think so...” he spoke warily. He leaned over the counter again to see Clarke staring at her hands. He watched her, his eyes narrowing before realizing how red her eyes were.

“Shit, never mind. She ate something, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t for substantial purposes” Clarke looked at Bellamy curiously before sitting up from the floor. It looked as if she forgot who Bellamy was talking to.

“Clarke, can you get off the floor before my boss sees you? She’ll kick you out” Bellamy hissed and Clarke’s red eyes grew wide with worry.

“Your boss kicks people who lay on the floor?” Clarke whispered with utter disbelief. As if she didn’t seem fucked up enough before, she surly looked that way now. Bellamy couldn’t hold back a stressful sigh.

“Um, can you do me a favor?” Bellamy suddenly asked through the phone. The line on the other side was silent for a moment before Lexa spoke.

“Depends” her tone sounded skeptical. Bellamy rolled his eyes. He wasn’t thrilled to be talking to Lexa. The last time he saw or even spoke to Lexa was before the heist.

“Can you come get Clarke please? My boss can’t see her like this or she’ll never let Clarke back here again. I would ask anybody else if I could, but I don’t wanna pay for a cab and everyone else is too busy” he felt weak asking her for help, but he had no other choice. Jasper was too drunk, Raven was off racing, Monty had to get his work done before midnight, and Octavia was waiting on tables. Cab rides weren’t something he could afford considering over half of his paycheck went towards rent and the other half towards food.

“I’ll be there in 15 minutes. Which bar?”

“East side, corner of fourth and fifth” And that was the end of their call.

Clarke wasn’t sitting on the floor anymore, thankfully. Instead she was holding on to the bar like her life depended on it. Her eyes scanned the floor with horror, and Bellamy couldn’t help but wonder what she was experiencing.

“What did you eat?” He questioned, but Clarke didn’t look up.

“The floor, Bel. It’s moooving” he sighed when she spoke. Whether or not he would get the answer he was looking for was unknown. She was so far gone.

“What did you eat?” He reiterated. Clarke finally looked up at Bellamy and cocked her head to the side like a confused puppy.

“Let’s see... I, I had uhh a bagel for breakfast, some Doritos and a burger for lunch... and I think... no wait, that was Raven” Bellamy was starting to lose his patience. Anyone else would have thought Clarke was hysterical, but Bellamy was more focused on whether or not a stranger gave her something laced with cocaine or some other hard drug.

“This morning I found Raven’s stach of candy and ate the last Baby Ruth and Jasper came up to me after my third glass of tequila and handed me a cookie. He said to only take a bite but I ate the whole thing ‘cause I was pretty hungry” finally things began to make more sense. Clarke was crossfaded. She had about five total drinks of tequila and an entire weed cookie. No wonder why the dirty floor was comfortable.

After about ten minutes of talking to Clarke to make sure she didn’t stray, Lexa strode into the bar the same way she always walked into anywhere; her nose high, her hips swaying, and confidence with every step. She approached Clarke, and the blonde struggled to recognize her. Bellamy gave Lexa a heavy glare and she seemed to return it.

“Lexa?” Clarke wondered carefully, her eyes narrowing on the brunette woman curiously.

“Are you okay, Clarke?” She asked. The blonde smiled wide at Lexa’s words. She carefully let go of the bar she had been holding for about 15 minutes and wrapped her arms tightly around the brunette woman’s neck. Lexa gave Bellamy a look of disbelief before carefully wrapping her arms around Clarke’s waist.

“Hi” was all Clarke said as she clung to Lexa. Bellamy didn’t like what he was seeing, not one bit.

As understanding as he was of Clarke’s situation with Lexa, he didn’t approve of her being around Clarke. She was his best friend. Watching the blonde act as if Lexa had done nothing wrong felt like a blow to the face. He expected Clarke to shout, to protest, hell, even be dragged kicking and screaming to Lexa’s car. But this? This wasn’t something he had expected at all.

As content as Clarke was in Lexa’s arms, he reached over the bar and pulled Clarke’s shoulder until she let go of the federal agent. She let out a whine of discontent and pulled Bellamy’s grasp off of her. Like a child, she stuck out her tongue at him and he frowned.

“Just take her home” Bellamy hissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you may have seen a rude and uncalled for comment by an anon. I have since deleted it considering nobody needs to see such negativity. I’m not worried about it since I’ve made my peace with the fact not everybody will like my writing and there will always be people who feel compelled to waste their time writing something like that. I write to become a better writer, not to be a perfect one. Aside from that, I hope you liked the chapter. I hope that you can recognize some of my growth from the first chapter (since that’s my goal)  
> See you again soon, my dudes


	3. Black Suits and Piney Perfumes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 4,956
> 
> Chapter Rating: Mature for slight nudity, alcohol and drug use

_**1 Year and 1 Month Ago** _

The sunlight fluttered through the window and casted it’s rays on the waves of white blankets draping over the two women lying sleeplessly next to each other. Their eyes locked in the warm embrace of the other, having a silent conversation. The glittering emerald eyes that Clarke compared to a dewy spring after a long and tiring winter gazed at her with compassion and wholehearted warmth. The blonde’s azure look works to memorize the world in her lover’s irises, counting the bushes and the trees sprouting with life.

Clarke’s soft fingertips traced the high cheekbones in front of her, making the woman beneath her touch smile and close her eyes. Her palm rests on Lexa’s cheek and caresses her thumb back and fourth as if to comfort. When the green eyes of her lover flickered back open, Clarke felt her heart grow three times larger.

It wasn’t possible to be happier than she was right now. All she could feel was the overwhelming love she had for the brunette woman. All the troubles in the world have ceased to exist, all the civilizations have gone, and the only people left in the world were Clarke and Lexa.

Lexa wrapped her fingers softly around Clarke’s wrist and slowly pulled her hand away. She sat up and repositioned herself so that she was straddling Clarke’s hips. The blonde gazed up at her with a wide smile and her hands rested on her lover’s thighs.

“Will you let me paint on you?” Clarke suddenly spoke, breaking the silence that had ensued since they woke. Her fingertips slowly glided up from Lexa’s thighs to her stomach. She traced all kinds of curves as if she were creating the painting with her fingers. Mountains, trees, bushes, a lake. She wanted to produce something as equally beautiful as the woman straddling her.

“You want to paint on me? Canvases exist for a reason...” Clarke couldn’t tell if Lexa was being hard to get or genuinely against it. Many things about her lover were strange, but that was what Clarke fell in love with. Her odd military stature, the cool suave that followed her in every step like a lost puppy, and the cryptic things she sometimes said were only a few of Clarke’s odd appreciations.

“Has anyone ever asked to paint you nude?” Clarke questioned. The cogs began to twist and turn in the blonde’s head as she slowly built up her case.

“Believe it or not, yes, I have. Back in College, an art student named Costia approached me. She had me so fetched by her proposal that I said yes” Clarke’s eyes narrowed with a twinge if jealousy flaring in her icy blue gaze, but it didn’t phase Lexa. Instead she gave the blonde a tender smile and placed a chaste kiss on her brow.

“But the thing is,” Clarke began, readying her statement. “Is that panting a nude portrait is like trying to copy the art that’s already there. I want to add to your beauty” Lexa grabs one of Clarke’s hands into her own and kisses each knuckle slowly.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice was low and soft. “I love you” the words rolling off of the brunette’s tongue always sounded like a dream. Every time her lover would say those words, Clarke felt the air suck out of her lungs and leave her in a foggy state of mind.

Clarke sat up quickly and paused before their noses bumped. The blonde tilted her head a little and pressed her forehead against Lexa’s. Their noses brushed for a moment like a sweet Eskimo kiss. She could feel Lexa’s warm breath hitching when their lips grazed.

“I love you too” Clarke replied with a quiet, breathy tone. Lexa wasted no time in closing the space between their lips. It felt as if Clarke’s body had been ignited into a giant flame. The way her lover’s lips glided knowingly over hers made the blonde feel drunk with the power of endorphins circling her brain.

After a few nibbles, bites, and tugs on Clarke’s lower lip, Lexa pulled away so that they could breathe again. Their chests heaved unevenly against one another’s, and the heat at their centers began to increase. There was no hiding the arousal shared between them.

“Okay, so” Clarke suddenly began, drawing the brunette’s attention from from her lips to her determined icy gaze. “If I give you full control, will you let me paint on you?” The way Lexa’s lips tugged into a devilish look upon her goddess like features told Clarke that she enjoyed the blonde relinquishing her power.

“Seems like a fair deal” the dark words spilling out of Lexa’s swollen lips made Clarke reconsider whether or not she should have proposed the terms. Either way, deep down, Clarke thought it was enticingly sexy how Lexa jumped at the invitation to enthrall the blonde with her dominance.

Lexa ruled Clarke’s body like an iron-clad Queen. When they were finished, Lexa happily laid on her front so that Clarke could turn her back into a canvas. After a few hours of cold paint, soothing —yet stimulating— music, and a few glasses of rosé, Clarke had finished and Lexa had fallen asleep.

_**Present** _

“I figured you would have erased every part of me off of your phone by now” the cold, steely words caught Clarke by surprise. In her sudden shock, her phone slipped from her grasp and landed on the ground with a hard thud. She quickly reached for it, but Lexa had snatched it up and began examining the photo of herself asleep with paint all over her back. 

“Please give me my phone” Clarke demanded and reached for the device. Lexa successfully evaded the blonde’s attempt while focusing her attention to the detail on the bright screen.

“I’m glad you kept it, actually. You’re an incredible artist, Clarke. It’s a shame you chose the streets” Clarke couldn’t care less for the idle demeanor radiating off of Lexa, nor did she care for the federal agent’s passive aggressive comment.

“Maybe I was going to delete it” Clarke suddenly purposed, but her words didn’t seem to impact Lexa in the way that she wanted. Instead the federal agent handed the phone back with a smile in her eyes.

“We both know that if you didn’t want that picture anymore, you would have deleted it the moment you got your phone back” Lexa replied. Clarke snatched her phone and glanced at the picture again.

Lexa wasn’t wrong. Clarke had deleted a majority of the pictures containing Lexa, but there were a handful she couldn’t delete. This photo, in particular, reminded Clarke of the many happy days they’d shared. She didn’t want to lose that happiness because it seemed like a waste to let someone foul ruin it.

“You fell asleep” Clarke muttered as her eyes didn’t leave the photo. A sharp inhale from the federal agent’s direction made the blonde look up. There was something in the mossy green eyes she couldn’t put her finger on.

As well as she used to understand the federal agent’s facial expressions, she could no longer figure them out. She lost the person the Lexa used to be. Even though Clarke couldn’t understand Lexa anymore, there was a small part that wanted to know everything and every detail as to why the federal agent did what she did. So many questions filled Clarke’s mind biased off of Monty’s words, which still echoed in her mind like a broken record.

It had been three days since he’d opened her eyes to the reality. Three days since Clarke began to formulate the questions burning inside her. They yearned to be answered. They begged for her to let them spill out and seek the fulfilling words that would give them peace, but she wouldn’t let them. Now was not the time, nor the place, and whether or not Lexa would satisfy the crave for understanding was uncertain.

“And you woke me up like Prince Phillip did Sleeping Beauty” Clarke’s heart wrenched at the words suddenly spilling from her ex-lover’s lips. She gritted her teeth as anger began to boil under her skin. Was Lexa trying to get a rise out of her? To keep from saying anything irrational, Clarke but her tongue.

It was during the strained silence that Clarke realized how formal Lexa was dressed. The federal agent wore a black blazer with matching pants that were held up with a belt sporting a golden buckle. The top button of her white button up shirt revealed her bare neck and part of her collarbone.

Clarke struggled to gulp down the lump growing in the back of her throat. She had never seen Lexa like this. It was new, and Clarke wasn’t sure if she should shun the sudden attraction for a woman in a suit or let herself stare. She decided against staring and tried to keep control of the thoughts slowly bubbling to the surface of her mind.

Lexa was an attractive woman, and despite Clarke’s dislike of even being around the federal agent, she couldn’t help but appreciate her ex-lover’s beauty. These thoughts made Clarke unsettled and an irrational anger began to burn under her skin. She was ashamed to be thinking about Lexa the way she was. After all this woman had done, Clarke couldn’t believe how betraying her body was.

“Clarke,” Lexa began, narrowing her forest green eyes. Her neat brows furrowed as she took a few steps closer to the blonde. Suddenly aware of the federal agent’s approach, Clarke stepped back defensively. She didn’t want to be any closer than an arms length. If she were any closer, Clarke feared the possibility of losing herself in Lexa’s piney perfume.

Ignoring the defensive look written all over the blonde’s face, the federal agent continued to take a few steps closer. She awkwardly leaned in and sharply inhaled. Confused, Clarke watched Lexa’s nose scrunch. When their eyes locked, the blonde recognized fury burning in her ex-lover’s eyes.

“W-“ Clarke began but was interrupted before she could ask what Lexa was doing.

“Were you smoking?” Lexa suddenly snapped. Taken aback, Clarke stiffened and clenched her jaw.

“I had a cigarette before coming here” Clarke admitted cautiously. She found Lexa’s reaction odd. She didn’t have any problems with Clarke smoking before.

“That’s not what I meant. Do you understand that another federal agent is going to be joining us for lunch? If he smells you, he will drug test you and send you right back to jail for violating parole. You need to tell me right now if you smoked weed before coming here” Lexa seethed, her face flushing red from anger. Clarke wasn’t sure how to react. If it were any other time, she would relish in the fact she finally got a rise out of Lexa, but Clarke didn’t have control over the situation. The brunette’s prompted anger hadn’t been on purpose, so the sense of victory escaped the blonde.

“No, I swear...” Clarke mumbled. She thought back when she left the house. Her gut twisted at the vague image of Jasper laying on the couch casually with a pipe in his hands.

The anger that had been festering under the surface of Clarke’s skin began to teeter on the edge of an outburst. Her hands curled into white knuckled fists to try and relieve some of the fury burning inside her. She needed to keep cool. She had to keep control.

“You need to understand that I stuck my neck out for you to get out of prison. If you screw this up, I won’t be able to help you again. Do you understand me?” The way Lexa spoke spewed irrational anger, but something in her tone unsettled Clarke further. Something that sounded an awful like concern.

“You know what, screw you!” Clarke suddenly snapped. “If it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t be in this situation” Lexa had no right to be concerned. She had no right to talk to Clarke like she was helping her.

“We’re in this situation because I told you not to steal that damn car, and yet here we are” Lexa had taken a step closer as she spoke. Her jaw was clenched and her lip pulled up into a snarl.

Clarke had only seen Lexa like this a handful of times. Their relationship wasn’t rocky, but the way they fought was harsh. Each statement would make the other angrier and angrier until somebody walked out. This time, it was Clarke who wanted to march, but she knew she couldn’t. This meeting was to important to skip out on.

“Fuck you” Clarke hissed lowly. The words felt like venom between her lips. She couldn’t look at Lexa anymore. It was too hard. All Lexa was anymore was a reminder of all her mistakes. The federal agent alone was one tall, sexy, mistake.

They stood quietly on the street for a few moments. Clarke stared at the bright blue sky, struggling to hold back the frustration stinging in her eyes. Lexa stared at a crack in the side walk and focused on rounding up her emotions in order to lock them back in the box she had contained them in. It wasn’t until the federal agent finished recomposing herself that she took a few steps closer and turned Clarke around. The way the blonde stiffened under Lexa’s hand made her retract instantly.

“My perfume is in my car. It’s unlocked. Go douse yourself in it and come into the restaurant. I’ll be waiting at the table. My associate will be here any second” Lexa explained, and Clarke refused to look at her. Instead she focused on a sign protruding from the cement.

Without another word, they split off to do what they needed to do.

_**✦** _

“Alright then, we will send a car over to your house. We have a deal with an auto shop, so once you have it, head there and tell a man name Niko who you are. He will find the necessary parts you need for any races. Contact Lexa as soon as you set up a race. Unfortunately, I need to leave for a meeting so if you have any more questions, I’m sure Lexa can answer them for you. I’ll see you again soon, Clarke” Gustus, the man Lexa had introduced as her fellow federal agent, explained as he shrugged on his coat and pulled a few dollars out of his pocket for a tip. Clarke wished he didn’t leave. She didn’t want to be alone with Lexa.

“Clarke, what happened to your car, exactly?” Lexa asked as soon as Gustus left. Clarke bit the inside of her cheek and sighed.

“Bellamy told me someone came and torched it after I got convicted. Apparently some people weren’t happy with what I did” Clarke explained, rubbing her brow at the thought. When Bellamy told her, it felt like she had lost a child, but it had been over a year since she saw her car so the grief didn’t last long.

“You do understand that the car you tried to steal belonged to Nia Ice. It is, without a doubt, Ontari’s doing” Lexa replied with a bored tone. Clarke glanced at the federal agent across from her who was busy picking at the uneaten food on her plate. Lexa often didn’t eat much when she was troubled by something.

“What is it you want me to say?” Clarke suddenly asked, drawing Lexa’s attention from her plate. “Do you want me to say I’m sorry for trying to steal that car? That you were right and I should have listened to you? I’m getting real tired of you and everyone else bringing it up” Clarke confessed with agitation. She wasn’t necessarily angry, but she was restless.

“No,” Lexa began quietly, her eyes falling back to her plate. She looked like she wanted to say more, but then decided not to. Clarke hated how reserved Lexa could be. She hardly shared her feelings, and Clarke often grew weary of trying to guess what was going on in her ex-lover’s head.

“Then what do you want?” Clarke asked, deciding she needed to know. She needed to know why Lexa was doing anything at all with the blonde. She could have let Clarke sit in prison, yet here she was, having lunch and discussing certain topics pertaining to the investigation with her ex-lover and her associate.

“Because I-“ Lexa began, before stopping herself. The look in her eyes appeared vulnerable, but it only lasted a second before it was replaced with her usual stoic glare. It was as if the mask covering the federal agent cracked and quickly covered it up with duct tape to keep it from spilling the feelings hidden beneath it.

“Because, Clarke, our objective was never on you or your crew. You were just a pawn” if not for the low, soft voice infliction, Clarke would have thought Lexa’s words were cruel.

“So was I just a pawn?” Clarke asked quietly, surprising herself.

She didn’t really want to know. Her mind convinced her she didn’t want a response, but her betraying heart had other intentions. It yearned to hear all the excuses Lexa could muster, even if they were all lies, but her mind fought back and tried to save her from the anguish that would come from every word leaving her ex-lover.

Clarke couldn’t determine if Lexa’s silence was a good thing or not. As bad as she wanted to know, she didn’t. When she looked back up at Lexa for a response, all the air escaped her lungs. Lexa’s masked had crumbled completely.

Anguish, pain, and regret plastered all over the agent’s face. It was overwhelming to see the emotion radiating off of her. In Clarke’s eyes, Lexa was a strong woman held high with passion and dominance, but right now she looked as if she were a wounded animal trying to figure out how their foot got caught in a snare. The victorious feeling Clarke thought she would revel in upon breaking down Lexa’s wall never came.

“No,” Lexa began, struggling to keep her voice from wavering. “You were always more than that, Clarke” she continued, looking directly into the blonde’s eyes as she spoke. As genuine as she sounded, the Clarke didn’t want to believe her. She couldn’t for her sanity’s sake.

Instead of saying anything else, Clarke robotically pulled out her wallet, placed the money covering her food on the table, and left as quickly as she could. She didn’t want to hear another word from Lexa. It would be too much for her conflicting feelings. As if the questions brewing in her mind weren’t loud enough before, they certainly were now.

As her feet subconsciously carried her down the sidewalk towards the house, her doubt questioned why Lexa would say something like that if she didn’t mean it. Her mind built up a pile of conspiracies, but the most scandalous terrified Clarke. What if Lexa did mean it?

_**✦**_ — Raven

Raven sat comfortably on the couch with a bowl of Cheetos on her lap as she watched the How It’s Made quietly, considering Monty was working on his computer. She licked the powder off of her fingers and jumped when the front door swung open aggressively. Curious as to who was in a bad mood, she leaned over to see Clarke pulling off her shoes.

“How was the meeting?” Raven dared to ask. She met a pair of furious blue eyes that made her slightly uncomfortable.

“What did she say?” Raven questioned when the blonde didn’t reply.

“Nothing,” Clarke began, her tone foul. “But enough to make me want to drink everything in this house” She elaborated. Raven pressed her lips unappreciatively for not having gotten a fulfilling answer.

“Don’t drink my whisky please” Raven replied as she watched the blonde meander into the kitchen.

“Or my Jack Daniels” Monty chipped in. The commotion was enough for him to look up from his computer. Raven gave him a nervous glance as Clarke rummaged through the alcohol cabinet.

They both watched quietly as Clarke pulled out a giant bottle of Absolute Vodka and poured a large portion into a glass. She pulled Jasper’s orange juice out of the fridge and poured enough into the glass to make it look like it was going to overflow. Anyone in their right mind would know that there was too much vodka to enjoy the screwdriver, but Raven concludes that Clarke was not of a sane mind at all.

“It wasn’t that bad, was it?” Raven asked cautiously. Clarke gave her a look as it fo say of fucking course before slamming down half the glass. It made Raven cringe. She could only imagine how horrible it tasted.

“Are you doing anything important tonight?” Clarke asked when she set the glass down, and Raven shook her head in response. Her eyes narrowed on Clarke, trying to figure out what she was planning, and wondered if it was something to worry about.

“Take me out for drinks, yeah? Me and you need to hang out” Clarke elaborated. Raven raised her eyebrows and turned off the tv. She set the Cheetos on Monty’s desk for him to snack on and walked over to Clarke.

“I know a pretty good club. We could set you up with a race while you’re there” Raven said with a devilish smirk. Clarke mirrored the brunette when she said it.

“Hell yeah. I’m getting a new car, why not?” Clarke’s statement confused Raven a little, but she figured that, during the meeting, the feds were giving Clarke a new car. A racer couldn’t race if they didn’t have a vehicle.

Raven distinctively remembered the day she came home to see a fire truck in front of their house. The charred remains of Clarke’s car sizzled, and she could never forget the smell of burnt rubber and metal. Nobody ever found out who did it, but everyone on the crew knew it had something to do with the Azgeda crew. They were petty enough to do it.

_**✦** _

Raven let out a long frustrated sigh as they stumbled back into the house. Clarke had gotten into two fights —one verbal and one physical — which got them kicked out, cried for half an hour, and face planted into the sidewalk. She claimed that there was something that tripped her, but Raven saw the blonde trip over her own foot.

Raven loved Clarke, of course she did, but the blonde was so messed up. She’s never seen Clarke in such a sorry state. Even though she had been there for when the Clarke and Finn broke up, it had never gotten as bad as it was now.

“Jasper,” Raven slurred when she saw him on the couch. She sat Clarke carefully on the floor and stumbled over to where her friend was sitting.

“What’s up Raven?” He asked with a giant smile on his face. She could tell, even drunk, that he was baked.

“Can you go get some hydrogen peroxide and band aids from the bathroom?” Raven slurred and Jasper laughed. The way he chuckled felt insulting. She tried to smack his shoulder, but missed. He laughed even more. Anger began to boil under her skin and felt compelled to smack his crotch. She didn’t miss this time.

“Alright alright, uncle” Jasper choked out as he groveled in pain. He slowly stood up and clutched his crotch as he waddled over to the staircase. Raven couldn’t help but feel the sense of pride overwhelm her. She always got what she wanted, even if she had to be petty about it.

She watched Jasper disappear up the steps and then turned to Clarke lying on the floor. A small smile crawled up on her lips as she wandered back towards her friend and sat by her side. If she stood for much longer, her legs would probably give out.

“You know, even though tonight was a complete shit show, it was kinda funny watching you and that girl go at it” Raven said with a slight laugh. Clarke looked over at her with a sloppy drunk smirk.

“I love you, Raven” She slurred. Raven scoffed and examined Clarke’s scrapes and split lip. The scrape wasn’t too bad, but it was enough to remain on the blonde’s face for the next two days. The split lip, on the other hand, had oozed quite a bit of blood, and the area around it was beginning to bruise.

“I love you too, Clarkey” Raven mumbled as she laid back on the floor. “Even though you’re fucking Lexa again” she joked and made Clarke laugh.

“I imagined that girl as Lexa” Clarke said, turning to face Raven.

“She did kinda look like her, didn’t she?” And then they erupted into a very loud, rambunctious laughter.

Raven couldn’t help but think that they needed this night, even though Clarke ultimately fucked it up. She was angry with the blonde for a while. Giving into Lexa was like taking a step back from where they were. It meant that not only did Clarke have to listen to what she had to say, the rest of the crew had to somewhat comply as well. Raven never thought about how much it actually hurt Clarke more until now.

Jasper suddenly came thumping down the stairs and lumbered over the two girls on the floor. In his hand were a box of bandaids and a bottle hydrogen peroxide, just as Raven had instructed him. He placed them next to her and started to leave, but Clarke grabbed his ankle.

“Wait,” She slurred and he turned to her with a giant smile. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Only if you can sing the milkshake song” He responded. Raven didn’t think it was possible, but his grin grew twice it’s size. He reminded her of theCheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland.

“Can you pretty pretty please call Lexa and tell her I set up a race?” Clarke pleaded, her words slurring on each pretty. The one thing they had managed to accomplish was set up a race with the person Clarke had verbally sparred with.

“I think the last thing she said to me before you got arrested was “pig” after I burped in her face” Jasper replied and Raven couldn’t hold back a laugh. That was actually true, and she was there for it. It was right before her and Clarke disappeared into her bedroom to do god knows what. That was the last time Raven had ever laid eyes on the undercover federal agent.

“Pleeeeease?” Clarke pressed again. Jasper sighed defeatedly and sat on the floor with them.

“Phone?” He asked, holding out his hand. After a struggling, Clarke produced her phone and spent what felt like an eternity trying to unlock it. Raven smiled when she caught a glimpse of Clarke’s background. It was of her, Clarke, and Octavia sitting sexily on their cars. The picture was sideways, and Clarke’s face was covered with the applications, but Raven’s and Octavia’s proud faces remained uncovered.

After a few more seconds, she gave Jasper her phone. Raven stared at her blonde best friend with glowing appreciation. Even though Clarke had been a headache the past few days, it was nice to see that her best friend could be her best friend again. Being a angry at the blonde now was useless. 

Her best friend was here, lying on the floor next to her, and not in prison or off anywhere else. She was here in the flesh. Raven didn’t even realized how much she had missed the mischievous blonde until now.

“Hey, is this the woman who used to fuck my best friend?” Jasper’s were loud and arrogant, and he yearned a smack from both Clarke and Raven. As funny as he thought he was, neither of the girls thought it was appropriate to say to a federal agent who could put them all in prison quicker than a speeding ticket.

“Yes, it’s Jasper” he placed Clarke’s phone on the floor and put it on speaker phone so Raven and Clarke could hear what was being said on the other side of the phone.

“Why are you calling me on Clarke’s phone?” Lexa had asked. Hearing the woman for the first time in a year made Raven’s blood grow cold.

“Clarke’s too plastered to sound coherent, but she told me to tell you she set up a race” Jasper explained boredly. Clarke and Raven exchanged glances before looking up at Jasper. He pulled a joint from behind his ear and produced a lighter out of thin air.

“Good, thank you, is that all?” Lexa sounded tired. Raven couldn’t blame her, it was midnight. She was starting to get tired herself.

Jasper glanced at Clarke, wondering if she had anything else to add. The blonde took a moment to think before smiling and pulling the phone towards her. Raven couldn’t help but think that this wasn’t going to end well.

“Yeah, Just one thing” Clarke slurred, glancing at Raven with a smirk. “When you arrested me, were you turned on by handcuffing me” Raven felt herself grow ridged and Jasper struggled to hold back his laughter. Letting Clarke say anything was definitely a bad idea. She probably won’t even remember she said anything to Lexa in the morning.

“No, Clarke” Lexa sighed, realizing how drunk Clarke actually was. “Are you okay?” She asked. Raven couldn’t hold back a scoff. Why did Lexa care?

“I haven’t been for a long time, Lexa”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s very interesting to read your guys’ comments. And thank you for your support thus far! I gotta say you’re quick to assume from just the second chapter. I’m telling you now that everything will fall into place eventually, and everything will make sense. Wouldn’t be a good story if I didn’t have you on your feet, would it? I would love to discuss things further, but I don’t wanna give anything away. I also apologize for any errors, still not a professional, and still doing this just for fun.  
> Stay tuned for the next chapter, my dudes.


	4. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 5,725
> 
> Chapter Rating: PG-13 for mild language
> 
> The chapter some of you have been waiting for

_**The Night Before the Arrest** _

“I really don’t think this is necessary...” Lexa trailed someone strapped on a wire to her torso. She flinched as the cold fingers of her associate brushed her skin.

“It’s completely necessary. You need to get as close as you possibly can to Roan Ice and Ontari. Hopefully something they say can lead us to the whereabouts of Nia Ice” Gustus explained as he hunched over documents scattered haphazardly on the conference table. Lexa bit the inside of her cheek nervously as the man setting up her wire finished the last thing he needed to do.

“And what if the Arcadian Crew finds out I’m wearing a wire?” Lexa questioned, grabbing her shirt which was draped over a chair. She pulled it on over her head and wandered over to Gustus’ side. Her eyes examined the map closely in front of her and memorized the location of where the race was tonight. Noting, for her own sake, the quickest get-away route incase something went south and she needed to get out of there.

“They shouldn’t. And nor should you worry. I thought you said you ended things peacefully with Clarke Griffin” Gustus’ words wrenched something in Lexa’s gut, but she fought hard to keep him from noticing her sudden discomfort.

“I did,” Lexa lied through her teeth. “But I’m still concerned. I should at least take my gun so I have some sort of defense if something goes south” she spoke further. She turned to Gustus who gave her an unreadable stoic glance. He heaved a heavy sigh and gave her a curt nod.

“You might as well strap a knife to your leg. If your gun somehow gets confiscated, you have backup melee at your disposal” Gustus mumbled after he turned his gaze back down to a document about Clarke.

Ever since Gustus proposed Lexa wore a wire to the race later in the evening, she had been completely uncomfortable. Anxiety whispered scenarios of how many ways things could go south and get her killed. Although Lexa had received a large measure of hand-to-hand combat training, she still couldn’t dumb down the images of her being exposed, especially in front of Clarke.

“I should probably get going. I’m sure the crew is expecting me any moment” Lexa mumbled and reached over to grab her leather jacket hanging on the same chair where her shirt was. She shrugged it on and turned to leave.

“Wait,” Gustus quickly said and turned around to face Lexa. “I know you have strong feelings for Clarke, since you lied to us the first time we told you to break up with her, and I’m sorry we pushed you to pursue her in the first place. Hopefully we get what we need tonight and she’ll go unscathed” Lexa shifted uncomfortably and pulled her fingers into a white-knuckled fist. She struggled to keep her stoic nature as she nodded in understanding.

Without another word, Lexa turned to leave the conference room and headed towards her office where her gun and knife awaited. The moment she closed the office door behind her, she let out a long, shaky breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. She could feel her composure slipping into frustration as she reveled in the fact she was finally alone.

It was terrifying. The whole situation was absolutely terrifying, and Lexa couldn’t do anything to make it less. She tried to convince them that a wire wasn’t needed, but Gustus’ strong case of acquiring audio evidence against Roan and Ontari overruled her. There was nothing she could do to stop it, and she felt almost hopeless. They couldn’t find out Lexa lied about her relationship status a second time, and the only hope she had rested in her keeping Clarke at an arms length all night. That, was undoubtedly, going to be the hardest thing considering the blonde attached Lexa to her hip proudly.

Out of the six years Lexa had devoted herself the the Federal Bureau of Investigation, this was the hardest thing to bare. She never knew how intense love could be since Clarke was the most serious relationship she had ever been in. There were flings in high school and throughout her academy days, but none of those women made her feel the way she felt about Clarke. Whenever her green gaze settled on the blonde, it brought butterflies and tore down all her defenses. No matter how hard she tried to fight it, how hard she tried to shoot down these feelings and deprive herself, it never worked.

Being with Clarke felt as simple as breathing. Their conversations, their shared smiles, the way they spoke. It all felt like they had known each other for ages, and not seven months. It all came so easy, yet it ultimately wasn’t.

Lexa had been lying this whole time, at least that was what her guilty conscience persuaded. In reality, she had only withheld Clarke from one simple thing, being an undercover federal agent. The one thing that terrified her the most was the day Clarke would find out. Not even death scared her as much as losing the woman she grew to love more than her whole being.

Every day, Lexa grew more and more weary of withholding the truth. She wanted to tell Clarke, but with every fiber she could muster, she continued to keep her secret veiled behind a thick velvet curtain. If she told Clarke, everything would end. Lexa would not only lose her lover, she would lose all the progress she had made towards the investigation. Although the investigation wasn’t as important as Clarke was, the only thing that would keep her sane was her work. If she lost it, her failsafe, she would surly crumble and lose who she was.

But neither her work or her lover could help her in the cage she trapped herself in. Most nights that didn’t end with Clarke next to her — which she had forced herself to do more often — ended with one too many whiskies and staring down at the city view from her apartment absentmindedly. Feeling numb was the only thing that would expel all these thoughts and grant her a sort of quiet peace, even if it wasn’t the peace she was looking for.

A buzz coming from Lexa’s back pocket catapulted her out of deep thought and back into reality. She quickly pulled out her phone and her chest twisted when she saw a text from her love.

_Clarke: “I would give my whole body to wake up to you asleep next to me_

Lexa struggles to splay a weak smile, as if Clarke could see her, and pretended that she didn’t feel the same way.

_Lexa: “Only if you’re giving it to me”_

She bit her lip slightly at her slick response, and her mood suddenly feeling lighter. It was as if she hadn’t spent the past ten minutes with her inner turmoil. Some how, as if it were magic, Clarke always made everything seem better.

_Clarke: “Come over? Bring ice cream and we can cuddle on the couch and watch the Office”_

The blonde’s proposal was the most inciting she had received all morning. The image of them sharing the couch with blankets and a tub of ice cream painted itself on the back of Lexa’s eyelids.

_Lexa: “Be over in a few. I’ll bring you your favorite”_

Lexa knew what flavor Clarke favored the most. Mint chocolate chip. Oddly, it was Lexa’s as well.

Lexa quickly grabbed what she needed, her gun and her knife, and hasted her exit of the federal bureau’s building. She had ice cream to go buy, a girlfriend to give love, and a sofa that needed someone to keep it from flying away. Everything else stopped mattering after the first text she had received.

_**✦** _

Roan Ice, the current king ruling the racing industry, had been defeated. Well, he was no longer the _current_ king. His usurper, a certain blonde goddess, left him in the wake of her burnt rubber, and it was the sexiest thing Lexa had ever witnessed. Clarke Griffin officially stood on the throne.

Both Clarke and Roan respectively shook hands to show good faith in sportsmanship before they split and returned to their crews. Clarke’s first destination was Lexa, who did her best to stand at the back of the crowd. She couldn’t be near Clarke, not with the wire she was wearing. Instead, Lexa needed to some how get close enough to Roan and Ontari to pick up their idle conversations.

Lexa’s efforts proved useless when she felt a hand grip on to her shoulder. She turned to see Clarke with the widest smile she had ever seen. It was so beautiful, so pure. It made Lexa feel as weak. The look on her lover’s face sought for validation, and Lexa couldn’t hold back the pride she felt for her lover. It was impossible not to gaze at Clarke with all the love she had.

“Did you see me?” Clarke asked with her chest heaving, her adrenaline still pumping though her veins.

“Of course I saw you, Clarke. You’re the only one I can ever see” the words left Lexa as easy as her lungs filled with air. There was an immense truth to her statement. All Lexa could truly pay attention to was Clarke. As long as the blonde was around, she had her attention.

“Whenever you’re around, I feel like I can do anything...” Clarke mumbled as she pulled Lexa close. Her calloused fingers cupped Lexa’s neck, and the brunette comfortably placed her hands on her lover’s hips.

Then Lexa suddenly remembered she was wearing a wire. Panic began to increase her heart rate and anxiety betrayed her by tightening her grasp on Clarke’s hips. Instead of sensing the discomfort in Lexa, Clarke passed her grip off as one of the many territorial things the brunette did to establish claim.

“Lexa, I have to tell you something, it’s about something I overheard from Roan on the day he challenged me” Clarke suddenly spoke. Without elaborating, she dragged Lexa to her Corvette and sat them on the leather black seats.

“What’s up, Clarke?” Lexa asked confused. She had said something about Roan. Hopefully it was something she could use to find Nia Ice and put her, her son Roan, and his supposed girlfriend, Ontari, behind bars.

“I overheard Roan and Ontari talking about a shipment they were making with a car. If I heard them right, it’ll be the fastest car this town has ever seen, provided it get the right equipment,” Lexa’s eyes narrowed as her lover spoke. She had no clue where this was going, and from what was said so far, Lexa could tell this wasn’t going in the direction she hoped it would.

“I was thinking, if I could get that c-“

“ _Stop_ ” Lexa quickly interrupted. Panic slowly began to set in. She couldn’t hear another word, because if she heard whatever it was Clarke was going to say, her associates listening very carefully to the wire taped to Lexa’s torso would hear the same thing.

“What? I was-“

“What did I say?” Lexa snapped harshly. It was painful to see the sudden confusion in Clarke’s deep blue gaze. More than anything, Lexa wanted to tell her everything. If not for the wire, she would be spilling her guts out, getting the weight off of her shoulders. She yearned to spill the honesty screaming to be released, but she barricaded it in.

If Lexa uttered a single word about being a federal agent with this wire on, she would be taken off of the case and the only person protecting Clarke and the rest of her crew couldn’t protect them anymore. There was no telling what would happen. All this time she worked so hard to convince her associates that the crew wasn’t a threat, yet here was Clarke, in front of her, about to spill on something Lexa somehow knew would turn them into a threat.

“But I-“

“ _Clarke_ ” Lexa hissed with interruption yet again. Why wasn’t she getting it? Lexa didn’t want to hear it. She just couldn’t. She was starting to get desperate.

“Lexa!” Clarke suddenly snapped, talking the brunette off guard. She hadn’t realized the agitation burning in Clarke’s eyes. It felt like a slap to the face, but Lexa stood her ground.

“Please, don’t do whatever you’re going to do” Lexa croaked desperately. She had never seen Clarke’s face so twisted with confusion and anger. She didn’t need Clarke to understand why, she just needed her to stop talking.

“I’m going to get that car, Lexa” Clarke words made her freeze. Everything went blank in that moment. Time seemed to stop as everything Lexa had desperately fought for in the past seven months were obliterated in six words.

“No...” Lexa mumbled quietly. “No you can’t. Absolutely not, I won’t let you” her voice rasped desperately. She grabbed Clarke’s shirt and pulled her close. The mortified look on her lover’s face did nothing to waver Lexa’s desperation. The blonde had never seen Lexa like this, and hell, Lexa had never even felt like this before. It was all overwhelming as the panic sent her over the edge.

“Lexa I,” Clarke paused as she stared straight into Lexa’s eyes. “Whether you like it or not, I’m getting that car” her words stung Lexa as they came off bitter.

“You don’t need it. You’re doing great without it. Do you hear me, Clarke Griffin? Do not steal that car” Lexa continued to beg, pulling Clarke closer. The blonde’s jaw clenched resentfully and tore Lexa’s grip off of her.

“Would you relax? I’ll be fine. Besides, I’ve already made the plans. The truck ships out tomorrow” why won’t Clarke stop speaking? Why was she so stubborn? Why did she need to tell Lexa these things?

“I won’t let you do this” Lexa said darkly. She’d tipped so far off that everything felt like it was shutting down. She couldn’t think, she could hardly speak. Everything was failing her, and every second that passed felt like she was losing more and more of what she fought tooth and nail for.

“I think I should go...” Clarke mumbled slowly as she quickly got out of the car. She sounded afraid of Lexa. While it was valid, considering everything that happened within the life altering five minutes, but her fear should be more directed towards was was going to happen 24 hours from now.

She was gone. Clarke had left and vanished quickly into the crowd of congratulating bodies. There was no convincing the blonde. She was too damn stubborn. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair at all.

Five minuets later, Lexa would get a call. She would get an order to track Clarke down tomorrow and arrest her.

_**Present** _

Lexa tossed her keys on the counter as soon as she entered her apartment and tore off her blazer. Her shoulders were stiff from a long day’s work and she sought after a comforting glass of Chardonnay. Once she poured a glass, she walked over to her couch and let herself fall into the soft, black cushions. She didn’t kick off her combat boots though, considering she would have to go through the trouble of untying them, so she turned on the tv instead.

For the first time in a while, she had no paperwork to fill out, and it was nice, but at the same time she felt restless. Busying herself minimized the possibilities of getting lost in thought which something she realized was dangerous. Being left alone to contemplate her feelings and opinions were how she fell in love with someone she shouldn’t have.

Of course, expecting it to surface as it did every night, she wondered how late she would have to wait until Clarke called. It usually spanned from ten at night to about two in the morning. It all depended on if Clarke was off partying.

When Clarke called her sober, it was always simple and cut right to the chase. She would say something stupid like waking up, breathing, and existing. She never elaborated what her day actually was like. While it made her reports to the higher ups more easy to file, Lexa was always left unsatisfied. She wanted to know more about Clarke’s day. She wanted to hear the blonde’s voice, even if it spewed hatred like venom.

On the days that Clarke was off getting wasted, Lexa would receive calls more towards the early hours of the next day. Most of the time, it wasn’t even Clarke making the calls. Bellamy had called a few times, Jasper had called once, and Monty had also called once. Frankly, Lexa felt uncomfortable speaking to anybody from the crew.

Lexa held a lot of shame for what happened. Some nights she would stare at the ceiling and remember every detail from the day she arrested Clarke. It played on rewind like a broken record, and each backtrack brought the same amount of pain. The way Clarke looked at her when she stepped out of the cop car destroyed Lexa.

None of what happened was supposed to go down like it had. Up until the day Clarke beat Roan Ice in the most monumental race she’d ever seen, she had control of everything. It was almost comical how quickly she’d lost it. Almost every day her guilty conscience gnawed at her, making her feel like shit for having ever gotten involved with Clarke in the first place. If it wasn’t for her, the blonde would have never gone to jail and gone through the psychological toll of being in prison. 

It wasn’t like Lexa didn’t try to satisfy her guilt’s hunger for resolve. She did everything in her power to keep the rest of Clarke’s crew from ending up behind bars. She paid off the truck driver who was going to tell the court about the license plates he had memorized, and she covered up whatever else she could to keep their names clear. Of course, it never gave her the satisfaction she yearned for.

Even though she helped her ex-lover’s friends escape the fate of prison, Lexa’s guilt remained with her. Images of snapping handcuffs on Clarke against the stolen car flashed in her mind every day for months. It got a little easier as time went by, but not knowing how Clarke was faring in prison still ate away at her.

Three months after the arrest, Lexa made a deal with Clarke’s counselor, Maya Vei. At the beginning of every month, the counselor would give a report on Clarke’s behavior and if anything changed. She wasn’t surprised to hear that the blonde was agitated during every visit and insisted that she didn’t need a mandated counseling session, but she was happy to hear that Clarke admitted to sketching frequently. She even gave Maya one of her scribbles, who then gave it to Lexa.

It was hard not to think about how happy they used to be. Everything seemed like it was a dream, like it never happened. But it did happen. All of it. Every memory was real, and the emotions portrayed in them were just as real.

When Lexa figured out how to get Clarke out of prison, she felt a small flicker of hope for the first time in 12 months. When Clarke had been arrested, and Lexa’s position in the crew had been compromised, the investigation came to a steaming halt. As victorious as it was obtaining one Nia Ice’s cars as evidence for a while, it showed no clue to her whereabouts and the only information they could put on record was that the vehicles documents were under her name.

Lexa sighed as she found nothing to be of interest on tv so she resulted to her phone. She had a collection of many e-book, although she preferred to read actual books. Regardless, she scanned her options with a sip of Chardonnay. Whilst scanning her options, a call suddenly popped up on her phone. The caller ID read Clarke.

“Hello?” Lexa said, answering the call almost instantly. It was 11 o’clock so perhaps Clarke was sober.

“Do you not have a life or something?” Thankfully it actually was Clarke, and not anybody else. She also sounded sober which was also good.

“Yes, Clarke, because being a federal agent doesn’t give me any responsibility ever” Lexa replied sarcastically. She wasn’t usually sarcastic, but with how Clarke had been treating her since being released, there was no other way to talk to her.

“Well I certainly gave you the responsibility to bite me on the ass” Clarke replied. Lexa flinched at the double meaning. Instead of glorifying the blonde with another sarcastic response, Lexa quickly downed the rest of her drink and set it on the coffee table by her feet.

“Anything important to report?” Lexa questioned and stood up to go grab the bottle of the kitchen. If she was going to make it through a phone call with Clarke, it required a little alcohol to take off the edge and not give in to Clarke’s jibes.

“Aside from taking in oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide?” Clarke questions with a touch of sass. Lexa felt her jaw clench as she filled her glass and sat back down on the couch.

“Can you actually give me anything important?” Lexa sighed and grabs her refilled drink.

“What’s your definition of important again? Ranging from our relationship to your job, where does importance lie?” Clarke sneered through the phone. This prompts Lexa to take a large gulp. 

“Can you stop being a child please?” Lexa suddenly hissed without thinking. Another gulp.

“I’m the child?” Clarke questioned with a slight hysterical chuckle. “I believe that my feelings are valid. You expect me to take your order’s like compliant dog?” Another gulp.

“No Clarke, you’re not a dog. I just don’t see the reason why you have to make this so difficult. You have one thing to do, and you make it harder than it needs to be” Lexa explained, growing weary of the conversation. Another prompted gulp, and her glass was empty again. She was sure by the end of this conversation, she would be drunk.

They go back and fourth for about ten minutes. Lexa goes through three more glasses of Chardonnay before the conversation finally steers away from the quarrel. She was sure her cheeks were blazing by the time Clarke gave her what she needed to know.

“People are starting to realize I’m back, and they remember me very well. That race yesterday has people turning their heads back to Arcadia” Clarke explained, finally being serious. Lexa calmly cheered to herself at the blonde’s cooperation.

“Do you need any other supplies? Have you set up any more races?” Lexa asked, placing her empty glass on the table and opted not to fill it again. Five glasses was enough to deal with Clarke for now.

“There’s a tournament next week on Tuesday” Clarke replied almost automatically, as if to expect the question. Although Clarke couldn’t see, Lexa nodded and took a mental note.

“And you’re all set for it?” Lexa asked. An affirming mhm came from Clarke’s side of the phone and their conversation grew quiet.

Only seconds passed by, but it felt like an eternity. If it weren’t for the faint sound of Clarke’s shallow and uneven breaths, Lexa would have figured the blonde hung up. But that wasn’t the case. Neither of them wanted to say goodbye yet, which was seemingly odd. Perhaps it was just the Chardonnay talking, but Lexa found Clarke’s presence on the other side of the phone comforting.

“Clarke,” Lexa finally said, breaking the silence between them. “Do you... do you regret our relationship?” Lexa stammered. She wasn’t sure why she was saying it. This time she figured it was for sure the Chardonnay forcing the words to spill from her lips.

“I-“ Clarke began, but paused to think. “That, I can’t seem to figure out” she continued, leaving Lexa unsatisfied by her answer.

“Is there anything I can do to help you figure that out?” Lexa asked, biting her bottom lip. She couldn’t control the words escaping from her. It was as if her vocal chords had their own mind.

Clarke was silent for a few moments. Lexa could hold back the need to reach over and pour another glass. She knew she shouldn’t, but she was struggling to keep a strong façade. The full glass in her hand seemed to give her the power she needed to keep from tipping over the edge.

“I have some questions...” Clarke began, letting her words slowly fade as if she were still thinking. Of course she had questions. There were probably so many things Clarke wanted to ask that only Lexa had an answer for.

“Do you have time right now?” Lexa suddenly blurted, startling herself. She couldn’t discern whether or not Chardonnay made her impulsive or talkative. Perhaps it was both.

“Can you be here in a few?” Clarke asked and Lexa proceeded to chew on her bottom lip.

“Actually, I’m not in the position to drive” it oddly felt like her pride was being damaged by admitting it. It was usually Clarke who called drunk saying stupid things. This time, it was Lexa. It was an odd switch in position.

“I’ll be over in a few”

_**✦** _

Lexa was actually nervous. She sat on her couch as she fiddled with the hem of her button up shirt. Hopefully this night would fix something. She knew that it wouldn’t instantly be okay after they spoke, but it was steps being taken towards fixing things. That’s what she told herself.

By the time a knock rapped on her front door, the bottle of Chardonnay had been reduced down to a third of what it was. Lexa’s nerves had bested her, and coaxed a few more glasses out of her. It wasn’t wise, but Lexa wasn’t looking to be wise. She was looking for her confidence, and her body told her it sat at the bottom of the bottle.

When Lexa opened the front door, she could only imagine how she looked in front of Clarke. Her face was flushed, her shirt half untucked from her black pants, and her hair was tied up in a loose bun. Clarke had looked slightly taken aback by Lexa’s appearance, but the way she quickly avoided Lexa’s eyes made her stomach twist. Did she look so unkempt that her ex-lover couldn’t look at her, or was it that every time she looked at Lexa, she couldn’t stop seeing the woman who had arrested her?

“Come in” Lexa mumbled, the words leaving her lips slowly. She stepped aside and let Clarke walk through the door. She seemed to take in her surroundings as Lexa closed the door securely. Her eyes landed on the bottle at the coffee table and gave the federal agent a questioning look.

“Saved some for me, then?” Clarke asked. Her tone wasn’t playful. Instead she sounded nervous, giving Lexa the impression she felt the same way about the conversation that was about to ensue.

“Yeah go ahead. You know where the glasses are” Lexa replied and made her way towards the couch. She sat once more on the comfortable cushions, but they weren’t as comfortable as they were when she first came home.

“Actually do you maybe have anything stronger?” Clarke asked as soon as she acquired a glass. Lexa nodded and pointed to the cabinet next to the blonde.

“There’s whisky in there” she answered. After Clarke procured the whiskey, she joined Lexa on the couch. She watched Clarke carefully as she poured a bit of whisky in her glass.

“What do you want to know?” Lexa suddenly asked, wanting to get to the point. She wanted to get things over with. She feared if they waited any longer, her wits would get the best of her.

“I want to know why my crew? Why us?” Clarke asked, not phased by the quick change of air. She probably wanted to get this over with as much as Lexa did.

“We’re not blind to the high rates of illegal street racing. We’ve kept a close eye, but the feds aren’t interested in busting a few speed racers. We care more about the ones actually impacting the community, like the Azgeda Crew” Lexa began to explain, reaching over to pour another glass for herself.

“Were we impacting the community?” Clarke rasped with narrow eyes. Lexa couldn’t read Clarke. She was almost straight faced. All her emotions were hidden behind the dark look brewing in the blonde’s eyes.

“No, not really, but it wasn’t your impact on the community that drew our attention to you. It was your quick rise to fame. You were on the heels of the Azgeda Crew. We thought, that if we could get someone in your crew, we could get close without being too close” Lexa continued, taking a sip when she finished her last sentence. Clarke continued to hold the intense gaze on Lexa. She couldn’t tell if Clarke was getting any satisfaction out of this.

“And me? Why... why did you pursue our relationship?” Clarke asked, wavering for the first time since she walked through the door. Lexa could have sworn she saw the blonde’s gaze flicker in pain.

“When you asked me out, they told me to say yes. They thought that if I could get close to you, I could figure out whatever you knew about Nia and Roan Ice. When it became clear that you didn’t know anything...” Lexa’s words died in her throat as she thought about the past. “They told me to end things with you” the words felt bitter as they left her lips.

“But you didn’t” Clarke stated, her voice sounding skeptical. “Did you assume I did knew something after all and kept up the act?” Her words struck Lexa hard. She wasn’t sure if Clarke wanted her to lie and say yes, or tell the truth and say no. There was no telling which would satisfy the blonde.

“I didn’t because I couldn’t” Lexa replied bluntly, throwing her head back and gulping down the rest of her drink. “I couldn’t because your air was so addicting. It was like my discipline disappeared every time our eyes met” she confessed, avoiding Clarke’s gaze.

The space between them became quiet. Clarke didn’t say anything, and Lexa’s vocal chords failed her. She wanted to keep explaining everything. She wanted to tell Clarke that every time she touched the federal agent, her skin would burn. She wanted to say that every time their lips met, it felt as if the rest of the world didn’t matter. But none of it surfaced. Her wits got the best of her and locked it all up.

“And the night you told me not to steal that car?” Clarke suddenly asked, igniting the life back into the conversation.

“The night of your race with Roan, they made me wear a wire and told me to get close to him and Ontari. When you told me your plans, they heard everything. They were more excited at the opportunity to get their hands on Nia’s car than arresting you” Lexa felt the words spill out of her mouth as if it were a faucet. There was no reason to hold back, and there was nothing to lose. If her associates found out that she was telling Clarke everything, Lexa was manipulative enough to twist this situation towards favor. She would simply put that Clarke would be more compliant if she knew everything about the investigation.

“It will never change the fact you lied to me our entire relationship. Nothing will ever make what you did okay” Clarke’s voice was dark, hell, it was scary. The hatred in her tone made Lexa’s lip quiver as she drew in a shaky breath. Her eyes stung as she stared deep into Clarke’s. She wanted desperately to see the eyes that once looked at her as if she were the world, but they weren’t coming back, were they?

“I never stopped loving you, Clarke” Lexa spoke quietly. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting when she said it. Did she expect Clarke to just pretend nothing happened? Did she expect Clarke to show pity? Or did she want Clarke to hurt her more?

The look in Clarke’s eyes flickered. For a moment, the blonde was taken by surprise at the agent’s words, but it was quickly replaced with a burning anger. Her jaw clenched, and Lexa waited to hear the fury building up in the blonde.

“Don’t you dare say that” Clarke seethed through her teeth. “You’re not allowed to say that, not after what you put me through. What did you expect, Lexa? That you would catch Nia and we could live happily ever after? Or that you could just keep lying to me the rest of our lives?” Clarke was on her feet now, her fingers wrapped tightly around her glass full of whisky until her knuckles turned white.

“You fucking ruined me, Lexa. Do you really think getting me out of prison three years early was going to fix everything between us?” Clarke kept shouting. Lexa couldn’t hold back the tears that threatened to fall. She remained completely still, afraid that if she moved, Clarke would leave.

“Every time I look at you, I only see the person who handcuffed me. I only see the person who manipulated me for months and dumped me off in a cage. The Clarke you expect, the one you fucked over a year ago, is gone” her words felt like venom. Every word tightened the pain in Lexa’s chest. When the blonde turned to leave, the agent shot up from her seat. She reached the door before Lexa could grab her arm.

“Clarke, wait, I-“ Lexa stuttered out. Clarke turned to her with fury blazing in her eyes. “It was never my intention to hurt you”

“But you did, didn’t you?” Clarke tore her arm from Lexa’s grip and left the apartment quicker than she had entered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof this was really hard to write, but I did it. I had to pause a lot while writing this because it made me so conflicted, but I guess that’s the whole point, right? I hope this satisfies some of your guy’s questions, not that I made this chapter deliberately to answer them. I just figured it was time to show Lexa’s side of the story. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and aren’t satisfied enough to stop reading.  
> See you again soon, my dudes!


	5. Top Speed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 5,361
> 
> Chapter Rating: pg-13 for use of language

During the most tender years of their lives, children’s often gave an outrageous answer when asked what they wanted to do when they grew up. As time passed, their answered changed as they discovered more and more about the world and what they loved, but not Lexa. She always knew she wanted to be a hero. Sometimes people would laugh and entertain her ambition, and others would scoff and tell her it was impossible to obtain powers, but Lexa knew better than to assume one day she’d wake up with the ability to fly. 

Growing up, Lexa had her hands on a vast collection of Batman comic books inherited by her father. She was fascinated that a man could harness enough power to fight the evilest villains in Gotham without superpowers. She vaguely remembered having arguments with the kids in her grade about whether or not Batman could beat Superman, and she would always have the last word.

 But the world’s harsh reality made her realize she could never be exactly like Bruce Wayne, even though it was tempting to put on the bat suit and sulk around the roof tops. Instead, she settled for something a little less ambitious, even though it was still hard to obtain.

 Being a Federal Agent seemed like the next best thing. It was better than just being a cop, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation helped more people than Batman helped the people in Gotham City. No other career seemed appealing. She would have the best, and nothing less.

The journey Lexa took to get where she was presently was no easy feat. Out of the five entry programs — computer science, accounting, language, law, and diversified — she decided that the best bachelors degree for her was Law. She interned for a small law firm and gained a good three years of experience until she finally qualified for a federal agent’s application.

 After years of working hard, and striving for perfection, it finally paid off. The day she found out she had been accepted into the FBI Academy was the happiest day of her life. Nothing had felt more right. She was finally the person she’d wanted to be since middle school. She was so in love with the image of her becoming the hero she’d imagined since the first Batman comic she picked up.

Lexa had been placed under the guidance of a man named Gustus Stafford after she graduated the academy. He was large burly man who appeared stolid, but in reality, he was a caring man. He shared the same ambitions as Lexa, which essentially made it easy for them to get along. They wanted to make the world a better place. To be heroes. 

But the image she had built up for years slowly faded when she received her first major case involving a massive drug ring of street racers plaguing a large fraction of California. She never thought she would end up undercover, or be taught how to race cars, or infiltrate the street racing hierarchy. When they asked if she was comfortable with the idea, she lied and said yes. The only one who knew her enough to be skeptical was Gustus, who assured her that she was going to be doing the world a good justice as soon as it was all over. Over a year and a half has passed since then, and the rightful feeling she felt during her Academy days was now gone and replaced with all sorts of wrong.

 Lexa constantly felt miserable now. She contemplated whether or not she was actually a hero. Every time someone told her she was, she couldn’t help but think back on all the people she’d hurt on the way. Heroes weren’t manipulative, were they? Heroes didn’t use people to get what they wanted.

Perhaps it was the Chardonnay, or the whisky, but all Lexa could think about — besides Clarke — while curled up on the couch with puffy eyes was her blissful childhood days. Flashes of tying blankets around her neck like a cape and jumping on furniture flooded her brain as she yearned to return to her adolescence. Back then she never thought that the invisible villains she used to fight with sticks in the front yard would ever become real. But they were very real, and the thought prompted Lexa to take a swig of the whisky in her hand.

A weak chuckle escaped her throat as she thought about what would have happened if she met Clarke when they were kids. Would Clarke be the damsel in distress, or the retaliating villain crossing sticks with her? Probably the latter. Clarke was never the kind of person to sit and watch from the sidelines. She was a very headstrong woman, and that was one thing Lexa loved about her.

It was virtually impossible to get over Clarke, no matter how hard she had tried. She did everything she could think of that could help her get over the blonde. She even tried having sex, but it felt so wrong to be in someone else’s arms.

Being hung up on Clarke was almost unfair considering how the blonde had been treating her, but she figured the woman she once knew was still in there somewhere. If she could just go back in time and tell Clarke that they were going to arrest her, she would. Hell, she would have gone far enough back to tell her superiors that she wasn’t the kind of person to do undercover work, even if it meant having never met Clarke.

Of course, it pained her for thinking about a life without Clarke. She knew that if they’d never met, the pain and heartache would have never happened, and that’s what made Lexa the kind of person who cared more than what her cold exterior expressed. It was virtually impossible for her to care less.

Lexa always kept other people in mind. When she became a federal agent, the whole world became her people. These people she’d swore to protect, no matter what. Having fallen in love with Clarke only put her people at risk, which is what she told herself whenever she had minuscule breakdowns over the enticing blonde woman. She did her best to deny the thought that Clarke was also one of her people, that she had let her down, but no matter what it always rose up to bite her in the ass. She failed Clarke and all of her crew. 

Lexa stood wobbly from her couch and found herself in the bathroom staring intently at her reflection. She deduced from the ruffled hair, the misery in her puffy eyes, and the redness of her bottom lip that she’d been chewing mindlessly on that she looked like utter shit. It was hard to see herself in the reflection staring back at her. Thoughts of how she’d let things get this bad plagued her mind.

More than anything, Lexa wanted to be happy, but she knew she fucked everything up. Everything she’d worked her ass off for was destroyed when she first saw Clarke. All her training and all her hopes and dreams were obliterated by the person who couldn’t even look at her without remembering the woman who pushed her against a car and cuffed her. It was such a mess, and she didn’t know how to fix it.

Her hard, reddened eyes met the ones gazing back at her in the mirror and brought the bottle of whisky to her lips. She couldn’t feel the cold bottle as it grazed her lower lip, nor could she feel the burn of the alcohol sliding down her throat. The only thing that drove her now was the overwhelming power of misery.

Lexa wasn’t actually a big drinker. She didn’t go to parties in high school or college, and most of her time were focused on her dream, but now she had her dream. She was where she wanted to be, but now? The rose colored glasses tainting her view of everything had been snatched from her face, and the harsh reality of every action she took yearned for the feeling of inebriation. It felt like all her responsibility lifted off her shoulders, but the one thing she couldn’t shrug off was the look of betrayal every time she met Clarke’s limpid ocean eyes.

 When Lexa placed the whisky bottle on the corner of the sink and slid to the floor, her phone buzzed with a notification. At first, she felt like ignoring it, but her curious hands slipped the phone from her pocket anyways. It was a text from her sister, Anya.

Anya: Can I come over?

 At first it was hard to read, but eventually her shaky vision focused enough to read it.

 Lexa: No

She struggled to type and let herself relax against the wall. The sudden knock on the front door made her jump, and another buzz from her phone called to attention.

Anya: I’m already here so you might as well let me in

A long sigh of frustration escaped Lexa as she struggled to stand. She left the whiskyand stumbled through the bathroom, making her way slowly towards the front door. Another knock came at the door as she approached, and this time it was louder and more impatient.

 When she opened the door, Anya had been standing tall with hands on her hips. She looked annoyed, but it quickly changed when she noticed Lexa’s sorry state. Worry flooded her deep brown eyes, and the slight appearance of guilt washed over her face.

“Jesus Christ, Lex” She began and pushed past Lexa, closing the door behind her. “What the hell did you do to yourself?” She asked with deep concern. Lexa couldn’t help but feel taken aback with slight defence. She knew she looked horrible, but Anya didn’t have to point it out.

“What do you need, Anya?” Her words came of colder than she’d meant. She just wanted Anya to leave.

“I came here to..” Anya’s words drifted with hesitation. “To rant about work, but now I wanna know why you look so miserable” Lexa’s brow pulled into a furrow and pressed her lips in annoyance.

“I’d rather you rant about work and leave” Lexa sighed, her words slurring slightly. The look on Anya’s face showed that she wasn’t going to back down, despite Lexa’s dismay. She would tell Anya the problem, but she was so tired of thinking about what she’d done. Perhaps if she listened to someone else’s problems, hers wouldn’t haunt her for a while.

“You know damn well I won’t let my baby sister fall apart” there was annoyance in Anya’s words, but there was also determination. She was determined to figure out Lexa’s ailments.

“Please, An,” Lexa pleaded. “I just don’t want to think about it anymore” the sadness gripping each word that left her lips influenced Anya’s face into a look of sorrow. It appeared as if she could feel Lexa’s pain. 

“Is this about Clarke?” Anya asked. The way Lexa shifted uncomfortably must have given it away, because Anya placed her hands on her shoulders and looked deep into her green eyes.

“Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re saving millions of lives doing what you’re doing, and you’re letting this one woman deter your abilities, Lexa” Anya’s words were harsh, but Lexa knew it was just because she cared. She was right, though. Somehow Anya was always right.

“I still love her” Lexa admitted weakly. Anya sighed and she softened, placing a hand on Lexa’s cheek.

 “Oh Lexa” she sighed and pulled her into a hug. It wasn’t until Anya’s arms were wrapped protectively around her did Lexa realize she’d needed it. She needed her big sister. 

Rarely did the Woods sisters hug. Growing up, they’d been taught to be strong independent women who didn’t need this kind of affection to be okay, but Lexa never felt that way. She yearned for some sort of closeness. Something about being held made things less intense.

 “I don’t know how, but you love too much” Anya mumbled and pulled away with a weak smile. “You care so much about the world, Lex, that you forget to care about yourself” again, Anya wasn’t wrong.

“An?” Lexa mumbled sheepishly, and her sister cocked her head curiously. “Can we sit and watch TV like we used to in high school?” She needed to change the subject. Something about retiring to the couch and watching random programs with her sister brought back the nostalgia she’d longed for earlier.

 “Of course, little sis” Anya replied with a smile dawning her lips.

Lexa stumbled into her room and grabbed her duvet before waddling over to the couch where Anya had taken a seat. She turned on the TV as Lexa made herself comfortable and pulled the plush blanket over their legs. They settled on a channel that streamed old shows from their childhood. Even though Lexa was still drunk, she could comprehend enough of the flashing lights between scenes. The low volume of chatter seemingly lulled Lexa into a deep slumber while leaning against her big sister.

**_ ✦ _ **

The next morning, Lexa woke up with the sun hanging high in the sky and the comfort of her sister’s shoulder was missing. Sitting on the coffee table in front of her was a note, a glass of water, and a few tablets of Ibuprofen. Pain slowly began to throb as she sat up and grabbed the glass of water and pills. She swallowed the pills and drank the entire glass. She didn’t realize how thirsty she was.

 The note on the table read “Gone to work” with a little heart next to it. Anya rarely showed anyone her affection, but for some odd reason, she showered Lexa with appreciation. Lexa couldn’t help but return it.

When they were younger, Anya didn’t like Lexa at first. She hated that Lexa got more attention. It wasn’t until Anya started middle school when she began showing affection for her little sister. The first time Anya hugged Lexa was when shecame home crying about how some random boy stole her stuffed animal. Lexa never realized how monumental that day was. It was as if Anya had given her approval for being her sister.

Thankfully today was her day off, but even though she didn’t have to go to the office, she knew she would have to file a few reports before the day ended. They were just small things, and as much as she hated doing paperwork, she told herself that she was doing good things. Things that would help her people. It wasn’t easy convincing herself that, considering it probably didn’t help anyone but her superiors, but it was still some sort of help.

Lexa wandered over to the window and winced when she peered out into the world. Everything was so bright, it hurt, but when she saw the bustling life among the streets, it was worth it. Why was it that everyone’s happiness made her happy? The smiles, the bright eyes, the laughter, it was all so charming.

It was decided that today she focused on relaxing. The idea of going to a coffee shop and reading a book outside seemed so compelling. She only wished that her head didn’t feel like it was a punching bag to an energetic boxer. Sunglasses would probably help with the overwhelming brightness, but she really didn’t want to look like someone nursing a hangover. It damaged her intimidating exterior.

Lexa spent the next hour getting ready for the day. She took a long, warm shower, put bread in the toaster, and got dressed just in time for them to pop up. It took her a few minutes, but she found her book hidden in the bunches of her sheets. She pulled on a pair of sunglasses, aviators to be more specific, and left the apartment with toast in her mouth and locked the door. When she turned to leave, she paused when her eyes met a familiar blue pair. The toast threatened to fall from her lips, but she quickly grabbed it and shuffled awkwardly.

 Standing before her was none other than Clarke Griffin, who looked equally shocked to see Lexa standing in the hallway. Neither of them where sure of what to say. It looked like Clarke was going to say something, but Lexa spoke first.

“Clarke,” she began. “You’re here?” Her tone came of confused, as if she weren’t sure Clarke was actually there or not. Maybe she was still a little drunk.

“Yeah, I, um” Clarke stammered, looking away from Lexa. “I’m sorry, where you going somewhere?” The blonde shoved her hands in her pocket and shifted awkwardly.

 “I was just going to get some coffee down the street” Lexa admitted. Clarke returned her gaze to Lexa, and her eyes began examining her carefully. Her eyes narrowed on the sunglasses perched carefully on Lexa’s nose.

“You must have a hellava hangover if you’re wearing those” Clarke replied, referencing the sunglasses. Lexa felt her jaw clench. It was a little unnerving how Clarke still knew enough about her to know when she was hungover. It only made Lexa miss her more.

 “Um, yeah, I guess” Lexa replied, trying to remain vague. She didn’t want the events from last night to resurface.

“I suppose I’ll just leave you to it” Clarke sighed and turned to leave, but Lexa wouldn’t have it. Her curiosity begged to know why she was here.

“Hold on,” Lexa called, and her shoulders relaxed when Clarke turned around. “Why are you here, Clarke?” She asked, and the blonde seemed to stiffen. She wanted to kick herself for making her uncomfortable.

“I, uh I just...” she paused to rub her temples and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I spent a lot of time thinking about last night and, well, I guess I forgot how human you actually are” the way Clarke spoke sounded as if it was hard to admit. Lexa couldn’t blame her. She’d probably spend days dehumanizing her. It was easy to do when someone got fucked over.

“Thanks?” Lexa wasn’t exactly sure what to say. Clarke gave her an unsatisfied look. She wasn’t quite sure what the blonde was expecting her to say.

“You’re making me feel really stupid for coming all this way just to tell you that” Clarke sighed and raked her fingers through her long blonde hair. Lexa still wasn’t sure what to say. 

“Well it’s nice to know that you think I’m human” Lexa replied, sounding more bitter than she intended. It prompted Clarke to furrow her brow and frown. Even though she kinda understood, Lexa couldn’t help but feel a little offended. Of course she was human. Only a human would spend months struggling to get over an unruly breakup. 

“Wow alright, I guess I’ll just go then” Answer Clarke with annoyance. She turned to leave again, and Lexa couldn’t hold back a stressful sigh.

“Wait, Clarke” Lexa called, and the blonde stopped in her tracks. She chewed on her bottom lip, questioning if she should say what she was going to say, but before she could stop herself, the words were already leaving her lips. “Do you want to get some coffee?”

Clarke turned around with a frown. Her gaze fell to her feet, taking more interest in the black converse as her heel scuffed the floor. When it seemed like she was going to decline, her blue eyes returned up to the sunglasses still occupying Lexa’s face and chewed on her bottom lip. 

“Are you buying?”

  ** _✦_**

The walk to the coffee shop had been silent. There were many times Lexa wanted to say something, but she was afraid of scaring Clarke off, even if it was just small talk. The entire way the blonde looked as if she were in flight mode. She probably wanted to run away from her problems. At least, that’s what Lexa remembered from their relationship.

 Clarke struggled to handle her own problems, but she had no trouble shouldering other people’s. That was one thing they had in common, but Lexa wasn’t as afraid to face them as Clarke was. It was one of the blonde’s bad coping mechanisms, aside from her recent alcoholism.

They entered Lexa’s favorite coffee house, and they were greeted with bustling life. There were people everywhere. They were laughing and smiling, and some where sitting at tables with their coffees and computers. There was a pair of teenagers sitting in one of the booths looking st each other as if the world resided in each other’s eyes.

“I remember the day you first took me here,” Clarke began, shocking Lexa a little. “You told me that this is where you came to relax” she continued, her eyes surveying the scene around them. Lexa gulped as she began to remember that day as well.

“You didn’t understand why I chose such a lively place” Lexa said, continuing off of what Clarke had said. The blonde turned around and a faint smile pulled weakly on the corner of her lips. Lexa could only imagine the pain she was feeling.

 “I have a few more races lined up for this week. None of Azgeda crew, but I still have a lot of rep to build back up. Going to prison seems to put reputations into the negatives” Lexa frowned at the way Clarke shifted the conversation, but she knew it was another of her self defense mechanisms. Perhaps it was better for Lexa this way. If she started to think Clarke was going to forgive her, all the hope she would begin to feel would be torn down when she didn’t. It saved er from even more heartache.

 “You’ll be back on top in no time, Clarke. You have a way with vehicles that leaves everyone else in the wake of your expertise” Lexa replied while trying to reassure the blonde. It didn’t seem to do much considering a long sigh erupted from Clarke.

The silence that had consumed them earlier seemed to return. They didn’t speak until it was their turn to order coffee. Clarke got a blended mocha, and Lexa got straight up black coffee. She earned a disapproving look from Clarke as she took a sip of the hot, bitter drink.

 “I still don’t understand how you can drink that” Clarke mumbled as they sat at one of the tables outside. Lexa shrugged and took another sip.

“I feel sick if I put too much creamer or sugar into my coffee” Lexa admitted, and she could have sworn she heard Clarke chuckle a little.

Suddenly, Lexa couldn’t stop herself from thinking why Clarke was here with her, or around her at all. After last night she wasn’t sure if she’d be seeing Clarke any time soon. Did she actually feel that bad for acting like Lexa wasn’t a human? There had to be something more. There was something that Clarke wasn’t saying.

 “Why did you agree to come with me?” Lexa suddenly asked before she could stop herself. She clenched her jaw, wondering curiously what it was that Clarke was going to say.

 She was silent at first. She just sipped her blended mocha and avoided Lexa’s gaze. It felt as if the seconds passing by where minutes. When her blue eyes finally met the shades protecting Lexa’s eyes from the light, she stiffened.

 “You know I think we should get me a better car, because, you know, that car isn’t as good as-“

 “ _Clarke_ ” Lexa interjected, making the blonde stop. “You can’t change the subject this time” her words must have hit something, because Clarke began to anxiously chew the inside of her lip. Her gaze tore away from Lexa’s and focused on something in the distance.

 “I’m not so sure why I’m here either” she spoke with a distant, warm voice. Lexa hadn’t realized how much she’d missed the blonde’s warm voice. It had been so cold and full of hatred until now. What changed? What did she do to prompt Clarke to be here with her? Because she would do it time and time again.

Lexa hates how weak she felt around Clarke. It wasn’t fair. Her feelings wouldn’t stop betraying her, and damn did it fucking suck. She hated how much she would bend just to see Clarke’s smile again. Love was weakness, she often told herself, but it didn’t work like it used to. Not when Clarke sat across from her. Not when the blonde held the beauty of a Greek goddess.

“I’m finding it really difficult to trust you again, Lexa” Clarke finally said and broke the silence that ensued. The federal agent felt her grip tighten around the coffee cup in her hand. She wished Clarke would stop staring at whatever she was staring at.

 “I understand” Lexa replied sadly, but she couldn’t tear her gaze away from the blonde. She still couldn’t believe Clarke was here with her.

“I’ve been angry for so long, Lexa. So long. I think I’m just tired of it” Admitted Clarke as her gaze shifted to focus on something else. She still wouldn’t look at Lexa.

“I’m sorry” was all Lexa could say. There was no excuse in the world she could give to make things alright.

“I don’t know how much longer I can keep hating you” Clarke’s words make Lexa’s blood freeze. She couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. It was good that Clarke wouldn’t hate her forever, but it was bad that she currently still hated her.

“I kinda realized that after I stormed out and couldn’t get the image of you crying out of my head” Clarke admitted with regret clinging to the last spoken words. Lexa stiffened at the mention of last night. It made her uncomfortable to be talking about it in the public, but she wasn’t about to stop Clarke. This was the most the blonde had been straight forward with her feelings.

“You shouldn’t feel bad for that” when Lexa spoke, Clarke finally turned her gaze back to her. Oh how beautiful those ocean blue eyes were, even if they were filled with sadness.

“It’s not all your fault, Lexa. I shouldn’t have pushed my luck like that. I’m sure I would have been arrested in one way or another” Clarke replied, and her tone had sounded genuine. “But I still don’t forgive _you_ for arresting me. Why couldn’t it have been someone else?” Lexa was suddenly taken aback by the question. She wasn’t sure if she should tell her everything or not. It was probably for the best to include everything. After all, Clarke was being honest, and she deserved an honest response.

“I tried not be, but they made me. I’d lied about our relationship once before, so that was my punishment for lying again” Lexa admitted, and Clarke shifted in her seat.

 “You lied about our relationship?” Clarke’s eyes narrowed as she searched deep into Lexa’s sunglasses for her eyes. She pulled off the glasses hiding her eyes, and everything was bright at first, but at least it showed Clarke that she was being serious.

“They told me to end things between you a month into our relationship, but I couldn’t. I was already too deep” the honesty in her voice must have been convincing, because the color drained from her face and she appeared lost.

Silent fell between them once more, and the pair finished their coffees anxiously. Neither knew what to say, and Clarke was back into flight mode. It was only a matter of time until she stood up and threw away their cups. When she returned to the table, she didn’t sit back down.

“I think I should walk back to my car now” Clarke said, looking down at Lexa. “This was... nice. Bye, Lex” Lexa froze at the use of her shortened name. Before she could say goodbye, Clarke had already started walking away.

The federal agent sunk into her chair and gripped the arm rest until her knuckles turned white. _This was nice?_  Did Clarke actually think this was nice? Maybe it was more enlightening, but Clarke couldn’t actually believe that this had been nice, could she? There was no way, at least that’s what Lexa believed.

She’d spent a good fifteen minutes trying to figure out Clarke, but she eventually grew weary and went to get another coffee. Once she had her coffee, she cracked open her book that had been waiting to be read. It didn’t take long, but she lost herself in the familiar text of Jane Eyre.

Two hours passed by until she finally closed her book. She felt unfulfilled after three more coffees, and a part of her wished she’d brought the Picture of Dorian Gray instead. Oscar Wilde’s subtle clues of homosexuality were more her taste.

Lexa left the coffee house and found herself walking in the opposite direction of her apartment. She wasn’t sure where her feet were dragging her, but it felt nice to just walk. She had all this caffeine in her now, and there was no better way to direct her energy. The day was too nice to retreat back to her apartment with the way the sun shined on the clouds.

 The life surrounding her seemed to be distracting enough to keep any thought of Clarke from surfacing. When she turned down a more urban street, a few neighborhood children took up the road with a game of soccer. It was nice to watch them play for a while until their ball came rolling towards her. It reminded of her high school years when she used to play varsity.

She kicked the ball up with her shoe and juggled it a few times with her knee until she swiveled and used the side of her heel to kick the ball back towards the kids. Their bright smiles and laughter made Lexa’s heart grow twice it’s size. It was moments like this that made her work worth it. These were her people, and she would protect their smiles and innocence until she grew too old and weary to lift a finger.

There were times Lexa imagined raising her own child. Even though it would be thrilling to see a child with her own DNA running around, she would be just as happy if she’d adopted. So many children were parentless in the world, and it broke her heart at the thought. She’d shared these things with Clarke, and when the blonde agreed, it felt as if they could somehow create a domestic life together. It seemed impossible to get back to that point with Clarke, but after today, it seemed a little more possible than the day before.

After wandering around for a few more hours, Lexa decided to go back home. She threw her book and keys on the counter and flopped on the couch. She clicked through the channels on the TV until she settled on some show about being in the office. It was funny, and a bit crude, but she somehow drifted to sleep with her neck craned in an awkward position.

Lexa didn’t wake up until the blaring sound of her phone interrupted her slumber. She groaned at the pain residing in her neck and fumbled to find her phone. Once she found it, she stiffened at the caller ID. It was Clarke.

 “Hello?” She asked, her voice rasping. Looking out the window, she noticed that the sun had set, and the moon was slowly drifting up towards it’s peak.

“Lexa?” It wasn’t Clarke. “It’s Octavia” well this was a first. Lexa had yet to receive a call from Octavia.

“Is Clarke too drunk again?” She sighed as the pads of her fingertips dug into her neck. Falling asleep on the couch again was definitely a bad idea. 

“I uh, don’t know how to say this so I’m just gonna say it” Lexa froze at Octavia’s response, instantly sensing something was off.

“Clarke popped a tire going top speed”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hit a bit of a writer’s block after the last chapter, and I was going to write Clarke’s POV, but for some reason I felt like doing it in Lexa’s. It came so much smoother. I read each comment you guys leave, but I don’t reply because I’d rather you guys kept reading to find my response. I hope that this chapter brought more life toward’s Lexa’s character, seeming as I purposefully left it out until now. Aside from the last chapter, you’ve only been getting Clarke’s side of the story, so it’s only fair to write how Clarke feels, and not the actual reality of everything.  
> Stay tuned for more, my dudes!


	6. Bad Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 2,581 (I apologize for such a short chapter, but it's all clexa shit so)
> 
> Chapter Rating: PG

 Clarke's eyes slowly fluttered open to a mysterious dark room. The pain rushed to her quicker than a bullet train and felt like a hand had burrowed it's way into her skull and began squeezing her brain with an ironclad grip. A cry threatened to slip through her lips. Her eyes squeezed shut, as if the darkness weren't dark enough, and smacked her dry and crusted lips. She reached up to grip her head, thinking that cradling it would lessen the excruciating pain, but her fingertips brushed on a thick band of gauze wrapped around her forehead.  
   
 All of a sudden, memories began flooding back to her quicker than she could handle. The sound of a popping tire echoed throughout her remembrance, and the whole world swirled as the vehicle spun out and smashed into a bridge's cement barrier. The brutal scraping of metal made her toes curl and wince uncomfortably, but the fear beginning rise didn't originate from the accident. It branched off the fact she couldn't remember anything past the metal body of her car screaming in protest.  
   
 Clarke's eyes slowly fluttered open once more - as the pain she'd first experienced was no longer as intense as before - and she could finally bear the sight of the world. The room was illuminated by the cardiac monitor attached to her, and the moonlight pooled in enough to shine on the white vinyl tiles. The stench of over sterilization, body odor, and blood filled her lungs, and her taste buds yearned to taste something other than her dry tongue. Her throat agreed with her mouth as well. All she could think about was how amazing it would be to chug a whole gallon of water.  
    
 Pushing past the protests of her throbbing brain, she reached over and switched on the lamp perched on the bedside table and noticed thick bandages attached to her skin. She hesitated for a moment before flicking on the lamp. It illuminated much more of the room, and she winced at the dim reveal. Even though it wasn't bright, it still hurt like the world's worst hangover.  
   
 A quiet shuffling next to her nearly shocked her out of bed, and the cardiac monitor spiked at her reaction. Clarke hadn't noticed the mass of brunette waves splaying every which way. Curiously, the blonde cocked her head at the culprit. At first, she thought it was Octavia, but upon further inspection, it was most definitely not. The culprit's face was smushed into a book and her arms hung down towards the floor. There was no doubt the slumbering woman would wake up with incredible neck pain from the weight it bared.  
    
 Clarke cautiously slipped the book from the woman's face and grimaced at the giant blob of drool on the pages. She placed the book on the bedside table and frowned when she noticed a pair of glasses as well. They appeared dangerously close to snapping, and it didn't sit well with her. Being a natural mother hen, she carefully turned the brunette's head so that she could slip them off. With a relieved sigh, she placed the glasses next to the book. They would live another day.  
   
 The blonde stared at the slumbering woman, and reached out to tangle her fingers in the familiar brunette waves. She hesitated at first, overthinking the action, but decided not to let it deter her. Where she was now, physically and mentally, wasn't a good place, and the need for some sort of affection was prominent. It seemed to do wonders in distracting the throbbing pain. Her hair was so soft, and smelled much like her usually piney aroma. A smell she'd once considered home.  
   
Clarke probably spent a half an hour combing her fingers through the woman’s hair before becoming restless. Her mouth felt like a hot thirsty desert, and the throbbing pain behind her eyes showed no signs of letting up. Perhaps it was selfish to want to wake the woman up to fetch water and a nurse, but the slumbering presence wasn’t doing much to combat the loneliness she’d begun to manifest. She longed to gaze at sleepy emerald eyes and be graced with raspy tired voice that would follow.  
   
“Lexa” Clarke called, with much struggle. Her voice rasped and croaked. It didn’t seem to do much, since the woman didn’t stir.  
   
“Lexa” Clarke called out again. This time she put more effort into her volume, and she smirked when the woman under her fingers stirred.  
   
Lexa turned her face so that Clarke could see it, and her green eyes reluctantly fluttered open. It was interesting to watch the woman’s heavy eyelids fight to pry itself open. Clarke’s hand drifted from the federal agent’s hair and down to her face. Her ex lover’s skin was soft as her thumb caressed near the dark circles below the emerald eyes, which struggled to register the sight of Clarke.  
   
When Lexa recognized Clarke’s conscious state, she quickly sat up and pulled away from the blonde’s grasp. “You’re awake” Lexa suddenly spoke, her words rasping. Clarke tried not to feel disappointed by the loss of contact.  
   
“Water” Clarke rasped. It felt like she’d chain smoked too many cigarettes.  
   
Luckily, Lexa got up quickly from her seat and mumbled something about being quick, and left the room swiftly. It was entertaining to watch the supposed fearless federal agent stumble towards the door. It only took a few seconds for Lexa to come back with four small cups full of water, and her brow furrowed with concentration so she wouldn’t spill.  
   
“I didn’t know how thirsty you were, so I grabbed a few” Lexa mumbled as she crept over to the bedside table. Carefully, she placed them next to her book and handed one over to Clarke. The blonde eagerly grabbed the water from the federal agent and downed it within seconds.  
    
“Thanks” Clarke replied, her voice still rasping. She grabbed another plastic cup and drank it a little slower than her previous glass. The hope was that it quenched the rasp from her vocal chords.  
   
Lexa resumed sitting in her chair and pulled on her glasses to watch Clarke gulp desperately. Their eyes met for a moment, but Lexa’s emerald gaze shifted around to find something more interesting. Clarke suddenly found herself preferring their previous position. Lexa was making things awkward.  
   
“You were drooling again” Clarke suddenly said, calling Lexa’s attention. It seemed to work, because the brunette wrinkled her nose a little returned her gaze to the blonde.  
   
“I…” Lexa began, pausing. She wasn’t sure what to say, but this was one of Clarke’s favorite moments. Leaving Lexa speechless was always something she prided herself with. “I apologize?”   
   
“You really haven’t changed much, have you?” Clarke wondered out loud, and earned a quizzical tug on Lexa’s brow. “You have this amazing resting bitch face, but in reality you’re just a dork” Clarke’s playful tone seemed to confuse the brunette further. God, why did she have to make things so awkward? But she figured that’s how Lexa is. She lacked the social skills to forget all the bad blood for a few minutes.  
   
“I’m still trying to figure out how much you’ve changed” Lexa carefully responded. Clarke shifted uncomfortably. She wasn’t sure if she’d changed much herself. In fact, she hadn’t even thought of something like that until now.  
   
“Lexa, why are you here?” Clarke suddenly asked, wanting to shift the conversation away from herself. She feared analyzing her own being. She couldn’t bare to look at who she was now, as opposed to the person she used to be. The person she was once proud to be.  
   
“I can’t help but feel responsible somehow” Lexa murmured, and Clarke struggled to hold back a scoff.  
   
“Hardly. I’m where I am because of the choices I’ve made” Clarke replied, grimacing. She wasn’t proud to admit it, but it was the truth.  
   
“I’m sorry that things got so fucked up” Lexa sighed, sinking into her seat. She held herself smaller than she usually did. Her green eyes fluttered shut from obvious fatigue.   
   
The peacefulness Clarke had seen earlier while the brunette slept was long gone, and now she looked so tired. The weight of the world tugged down on her shoulders, and stress sucked the color out of her face. She wasn’t wearing anything formal, in fact the sweatshirt she wore looked rather comfortable. More comfortable than the hospital gown Clarke was wearing.  
   
“Lexa,” Clarke suddenly called, interrupting the momentary silence. The federal agent’s eyes reopened and gave Clarke full attention. “You’re not a bad person. You just care too much” Lexa sat up a little, and something warm flickered in her weathered emerald eyes. A small, genuine smile splayed on her lips.  
   
“And you’re not bad either, Clarke” She responded more playfully.  
   
A comfortable silence befell the pair, and for once, neither of them had anything to say to the other. Instead of demanding for answers, or making excuses for everything that’s happened up to this point, they focused more on appreciating the other’s presence. Clarke let go of everything that happened, just for this moment, so that she could see Lexa as the human she was, and not the soulless woman she’d painted the federal agent out to be.  
   
Lexa scooted her chair closer to Clarke’s hospital bed and rested her head on her arms by the blonde’s hip. Her green sleepy eyes bore blissfully into Clarke’s, and a groggy smile tugged on the corner of her mouth. She appeared so vulnerable, it made Clarke feel guilty for spending a year convincing herself that Lexa was this terrible person.  
   
It was captivating how Lexa had let her walls down. Clarke missed seeing her like this. She found the brunette’s vulnerability raw and beautiful. Nobody had ever looked at Clarke the way Lexa was looking at her now, and it made her sad. They’d put each other through so much, and still, there was that undeniable fraction of them that couldn’t move on.  
   
They sat together like that for a while until Clarke sheepishly slid her hand over towards the brunette, and her pinky brushed the fabric of her sweatshirt. Lexa’s eyes sparkled with curiosity. Adoration built within Clarke when she saw the doe eyed expression. It was too hard to push away the feeling that clawed its way up from the back of her mind. Oh how weak those green eyes made her feel.  
   
“Lex,” Clarke suddenly spoke, and the brunette seemed to perk up at the use of her nickname. “You know, one thing I really missed while I was in prison was contact, or even being close to someone” A frown tugged on the corner of the brunette’s lips, clearly not having expected Clarke to say something like that.  
   
“I’m sorry, Clarke. I didn’t try hard enough to prevent everything from happening” The blonde’s heart sank at Lexa’s words. She shook her head, and struggled to create a warm smile.  
   
“I miss the warmth of someone next to me” Clarke tore her gaze away from the brunette, and focused on the black screen of the dormant tv attached to the wall. She purposely held back what she really wanted to say. She wasn’t ready to admit that it was strictly Lexa’s warmth that she yearned for.  
   
“I’m sorry” Lexa replied, but Clarke felt a rise of agitation.  
   
“Stop apologising” Clarke sighed and turned back to meet a forlorn emerald gaze. “I’m not looking for an apology. I’m looking for someone who will just listen” the federal agent nodded, but her gaze still remained sad and apologetic.  
   
“It’s stupid, really” Clarke scoffed to herself. “I just… I didn’t realize how cold sleeping alone was, or how comforting it was when you traced my knuckles. I didn’t have anyone, Lex. None of my friends came to visit me, except Bellamy” Her words began spilling out of her mouth without a second thought.  
   
“And he was so off put when I saw him. He told me that nobody wanted to visit me because they were afraid of looking suspicious” Clarke began unconsciously fiddling with Lexa’s sweatshirt. “I didn’t tell him anything about prison, I didn’t get the chance. He seemed to have so much on his mind, and he looked so troubled. I just listened to him, because god it felt so good to hear about other people’s lives. I had something other to think about besides my sketch pad, my hooch, and what was going to air on animal planet”  
   
It felt so good to just talk. This was the first time she’d ever spoke about prison. Sure her friends had brought it up, but Clarke was adamant on blocking out that part of her life. But right now? This was a strange circumstance. It all felt so unreal to be lying in a hospital bed with bandages sticking to her like a second layer of skin. Talking about something real made everything real.  
   
Clarke hadn’t realized how aggressive her fiddling with Lexa’s sweater was until the soft touch of the federal agent drifted comfortingly along the blonde’s knuckles. The tension in her hand relaxed, and her blue orbs met a pair of raw green eyes. Lexa had taken in everything Clarke said. She was listening, and it warmed the blonde’s heart.  
   
“How do you understand me, Lex? I don’t even understand who I am” Clarke suddenly questioned. “Hell, sometimes I wondered if you knew me better than my friends”  
   
“All I see is you, Clarke” Lexa responded. She spoke so simply, but every vulnerable features of her face spoke volumes. She didn’t want to look away. The raw emotion twisting on the tired woman’s face was so captivating.  
   
Silence fell between them once more. Clarke watched as Lexa’s heavy eyelids began to flicker and fight to stay open. They eventually closed, and the warm comfort of her hand grew still. She had fallen asleep.  
   
Clarke was back to her thoughts, and she couldn’t help but wonder how things would be after this. How long did she have to wait to be discharged, and how long did she have to recover before being back in top shape. Since she no longer had a car, it would be difficult to just start racing again. Whether or not she could actually get behind the wheel of another car was to be determined.  
   
Clarke’s blue eyes focused on Lexa’s sleeping face as she divulged deeper into her thoughts. She forced herself to recall everything from last night. Memories played inconsistently, and there was the occasional gap, but something stuck out. Something that seemed rather unusual.  
   
The blonde was used to being around sketchy people, and the man she was set to race was no different than them, but she distinctly remembered him having a familiar face. She couldn’t remember his name, but the look in his deep set eyes was unsettling. Like there was something hidden. But she chose to brush it off. He was probably familiar because he had been to her previous races.  
   
After finishing the last glass of water that Lexa had gotten her, Clarke felt herself sink into the uncomfortable hospital bed. Her eyes grew heavy as she watched the even breaths of the slumbering brunette, and before she knew it, sleep captured her in its embrace.  
   
When Clarke woke up, she didn't remember falling asleep. But Lexa’s presence was missing, and a nurse was tending to the machines beside her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oofta I'm so sorry that this is short. I've been struggling to write recently. My dumb ass hasn't made an outline for this story, and I'm basically winging it (whoops) thank you guys for your kind words. As for the anon that left very rude messages, please just ignore them. Giving them a response just means they'll respond again, and I would much rather you guys focus on the story. Thank you for bearing with me. I'm not 100% happy with this chapter, but that's what I get for not making an outline LMAO.   
> Message me on tumblr @obscene_sunset. I've been thinking about other ideas for another fic after this one, and could use validation :')  
> keep it real, my dudes.  
> until next time


	7. Talk Me Down, Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parts of Clarke's past are revealed, a psychological evaluation, and a run in with someone oddly familiar. Then que Clexa angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 5,367
> 
> Chapter Rating: pg-13 for mild swearing

The sun slowly fluttered through the shades and casted little rays of light on the shaggy carpet. Clarke stared at the white plaster walls as if there was something interesting on its surface. Dark clouds haunted her mind with the memories of the accident. They played over and over like a broken record, but she did nothing to stop them. She wanted to remember every little detail she could. Maybe someday she could forget, but the scars dawning her body would always tie the memory down.  
   
The doctors had let her leave the the hospital shortly after waking up to find the space once occupied by Lexa to be vacant. Before she left, they dutifully filled in a few gaps of her memory. They explained the gashes stitched up on her arm were from shards of glass embedded deep into her skin, and she had hit her head hard enough to concuss. She hadn’t actually passed out until the EMT in the ambulance injected the painkillers.  
   
There were four total stitched wounds, excluding the gash on her temple that had been glued shut. The first wound was the smallest located above her elbow, the second curved along her tricep, the third on her forearm, and the last one swerved in a J shape over her deltoid.  
   
The black threads of the stitches oddly reminded her of her mother. Back in highschool, when she told her mother that she wanted to go to med school, she taught Clarke a few simple things. Giving someone stitches was one of the first things she taught Clarke, saying that it was a skill every person should learn in case of an emergency. She took a banana, split the peal, and showed Clarke a few stitches before having her do them.  
   
It was the one of the more fond memories Clarke shared with her mother. They had stopped talking after she dropped out of med school and moved to California to live in a small apartment with Bellamy and Octavia, who were her close friends since before she could remember. Whether or not her mother knew that she had gone to prison, or gotten in an accident was unknown, but she figured that if her mother did know, she would have visited Clarke in prison and given her a good scolding like she usually did when Clarke messed up.  
   
It was hard to let herself think of the past, but after years of trying to escape every mistake, Clarke’s grown weary. She needed to learn how to live with herself after everything, and the first step to acceptance was to acknowledge every fault that brought her to this point. It it meant having to go all the way back to the time when she punched Bellamy for stealing her candy bar and calling him a pussy until he cried back in kindergarten to reach the state of stableness she craved, then she would.  
   
Clarke’s thoughts came to a halt as heavy feet drummed down the stairs behind her. She quickly craned her neck over to see the culprit and smiled when she saw the man she had just been thinking about. It was as if her thoughts were loud enough to summon him.  
   
He gave her a weak smile before rubbing the tiredness out from under his eyes and entering the kitchen.  
   
“Good morning, Clarke” He said. He paused in front of the fridge to yawn before yanking the door open with a lazy force. The condiments in the door klanked together, and Clarke’s stomach seemed to recognize the sound. It vocalized it’s hunger, and she found herself up off the couch for the first time in hours.  
   
“Can I have some of whatever you’re making?” she suddenly asked, making her way over to the counter.  
   
“Hmm,” He didn’t respond right away. Instead, his focus remained on the contents of the fridge before making a decision. “All we have that isn’t expired is eggs, so how ‘bout scrambled eggs? Otherwise, I could make omelets. I’m not so sure if the cheese is still good”  
   
“Why don’t you just make omelets, and if there isn’t anything to put on them, we can just mash them up into scrambled eggs?” Clarke suggested, and a side smile pulled on the corner of Bellamy’s lips  
   
“You’re a genius. How did I ever live without you?” He jokingly laughed and pulled out the eggs.  
   
“You didn’t” Clarke teased.  
   
Bellamy got to work preparing the omelets and I made my way back over to the couch. Instead of staring at the wall like before, Clarke decided to surf the channels for anything interesting on cable. As she flickered through the channels, the smell of eggs radiated out of the kitchen and filled the living room. It must have traveled upstairs as well, because moments later Raven, Monty, and Jasper vacated their rooms to investigate the source of the smell. It was adorable to watch their sleepy faces stick up in the air like cartoons.  
   
Bellamy, being the considerate friend he was, made omelets for everyone, and they joined Clarke in the living room as old Cartoon Network cartoons flashed on the tv screen. It was relaxing to watch them all smile and laugh. It felt as if they were back to being one big family again, like how things were before Clarke’s arrest.  
   
Never before had she thought how much her absence impacted everybody. When Clarke first came back, everyone seemed to be focusing on themselves and ignoring each other. While it was great seeing how much more they’ve matured, it was heartbreaking to see how far apart they had grown. There was a time when everyone was always filled with laughter and teeming with bright smiles while enjoying the presence of one another, and Clarke can’t help but feel as if she had been the one to drive them apart.  
   
The only person missing from this blissful moment was none other than Octavia. She seemed the most distant from everyone. Clarke figured it was because of her two jobs - the waitressing gig at the bar Bellamy worked at, and a cook for one of the local fast food restaurants - that prevented her from spending quality time with her housemates, but some nights she never returned home.  
   
“Where is Octavia?” Clarke asked curiously, setting her now empty plate on the coffee table. Everyone took a moment to look amongst each other as if they hadn’t realized the woman’s absence.  
   
“She’s probably at her boyfriend’s” Bellamy concluded with a mouth full of egg. Clarke grimaced at the little chunk which fell from his lips.  
   
“She has a boyfriend?” Clarke wondered her thoughts out loud.  
   
“Yeah, his name is Lincoln. They’ve been dating pretty much since you went to jail” Raven piped in, and Clarke furrowed her brow. “You didn’t know?” Clarke shook her head in response.  
   
“She’ll be home eventually. She has work today, and her work clothes are still in the dryer” Bellamy said, this time after he swallowed a mouthful of food. Clarke nodded and sank back into the couch, making a mental note to ask Octavia about it later. _How could she not have told me?_  
   
The room fell back to silence, aside from the tv and the occasional fork scraping against a plate. An hour passed before Jasper left to go make a drug deal and dragged Monty with hum, because who didn’t make their best friend attend a deal? Raven left a little while after, going back to her room to sleep more. Bellamy gathered everyone’s discarded dishes and tossed them into the sink before leaving to take a shower. He had said something along the lines about a lunch date with some girl, and Clarke found it oddly pleasing to see him growing out of his habitual one night stands.  
   
The blonde was now left to her own devices, and after watching a few more minutes of cartoons, she came to the decision to visit a place she hasn’t been able to for a while. A place in which she found solitude.  
   
Clake made her way up the old wooden stairs which creaked upon every step, and quietly she wandered over to Jasper’s room. Back before the arrest, this had once been her room. Jasper didn’t exactly live with them back then, but since Monty was his best friend, and everybody enjoyed his antics, he often spent the night on the couch. He declared to Clarke that he was too comfortable in her old room to give it back, and she wasn’t in the place to argue. She was happy to be around her friends with a roof above her head.  
   
Clarke entered slowly, and the hinges squealed in protest. The last time she had been in this room everything had been clean, organized, and smelled like vanilla, but now it looked as if a tornado had been unleashed, and it reeked of pot. It was a disgusting sight to behold, but she pressed further towards the window.  
   
Clarke gripped the window frame and slid it up wich much difficulty. There was no screen so there was nothing to stop her from falling down to the grass. Ever so carefully, she stuck her head out the window and climbed on to the frame. She reached up and gripped the edge of the roof, and without hesitation, she pulled herself up far enough so that her torso caught on the mossy shingles which ultimately kept her from slipping. After struggling a little more to get up fully, she fell back on the weathered surface with an exasperated sigh.  
   
After squeezing her eyes shut at the sudden piercing pain in her head due to the concussion and physical exertion, Clarke’s gaze fluttered open to a vibrant blue sky littered with dreamlike clouds. The sight brought her to a sense of awe. It reminded her why she found this spot so alluring. While the sky wouldn’t be different than peering at it from the ground, being on the roof made her feel closer to the elegant scene.  
   
As she lost herself in the intricate cloud structures, she couldn’t help but reminisce the first time she had brought Lexa here. It was after their third date, and the crew had thrown a party in Clarke’s absence. Not feeling in the party mood, she dragged Lexa up to the roof and they sat under the stars. Lexa’s knowledge of the constellations awed, Clarke, and while she was searching for Cassiopeia, Lexa had kissed her for the first time.  
   
The memory caused a blush to crawl up to Clarke’s cheeks. She didn’t want to think about it, since she was supposed to still be upset with Lexa, but that night felt like a dream. No one had kissed her the way Lexa did then, and it pained her to think such a blissful moment was tainted with a sad truth. Trying to retain memories like these felt similar to the struggle of quitting smoking, which she had attempted a few times yet never truly managed to succeed.  
   
Things with Lexa have oddly changed since the accident, but it was the good kind of change. Clarke grew weary of spitting insults and an attempt to hold on to her anger, and she focused more on the path to closure. Being anger did nothing but fule all the whys clouding her mind, and getting answers from Lexa inched her closer to the inner peace she sought.  
   
A few more minutes passes as she let her mind wander instead of holding them back when the sound of a car pulled up to the house. She sat up as the engine cut off, and a smile grew wide on her face as she recognized Octavia stepping out of the car. At first she didn’t see Clarke, but when Clarke called out to her, she gave her a confused wave.  
   
“Clarke, how did you get up there?” Octavia called.  
   
“Through Jasper’s window, wanna join me?” Clarke asked, and watched carefully as Octavia pondered. This was Clarke’s chance to press the brunette about the boyfriend she’d never mentioned.  
   
“I guess I have a few minutes to spare, but I have to get ready for work soon” Octaiva responded, and Clarke cheered victoriously to herself. She hasn’t been able to spend so much time with Octavia, and even though she knew their time together would be short lived, she still couldn’t shake the happiness brought on by Octavia’s presence.  
   
Octavia and Clarke have been friends since before they could remember. They were neighbors for many years, and Octavia often came over to visit with Bellamy in tow to monkey around on the mini playground Clarke’s father had built. Before they knew it, they went from playing house in elementary school, to gossiping about boys in middle school, and then to getting drunk together at a party sophomore year. Now they were here, leading lives they never thought they would life, but it didn’t seem so bad as long as they had each other.  
   
Rustling from the window below caught Clarke’s attention, and Octavia’s face peered up from the edge of the roof.  
   
“Help me up?” She asked, and Clarke nodded. She scooted closer to the edge and offered her hand out to Octavia. The brunette glanced nervously down at the ground before clasping Clarke’s hand and began pulling herself up. Clarke’s heart jumped when she felt herself slowly begin to slide down the shingles, but Octavia had pulled herself up far enough so that Clarke wouldn’t slide any further.  
   
“What are you doing up here, Clarke?” Octavia asked as she situated herself in a comfortable position. She wrinkled her nose at the weathered roof, but Clarke never truly cared about how rickety the shingles appeared.  
   
“Relaxing” Clarke answered briefly.  
   
“It’s kinda gross up here” She replied, and  Clarke shrugged.  
   
“It’s worth the view” Clarke sighed as her eyes began to scan the street below. From the roof, she could see all kinds of houses straddling the black asphalt below. People walked along the sidewalk, kids played in their yards, and cars whisked by slowly.  
   
Octavia took a moment to observe Clarke’s claim, but gave her a deadpanned look. “Whatever you say” she muttered and Clarke’s mouth tugged into a frown.  
   
“So I found out today that you have a boyfriend. Why didn’t you tell me?” the blonde quickly questioned, wanting to get to the point. She was curious, and nothing is going to stop her from getting her answer.  
   
Octavia’s eyes widened in surprise, and her brow furrowed apologetically. She opened her mouth to reply, but paused. She turned away from me to the scene below and a strained smile splayed her lips.  
   
“Sorry, guess I didn’t think about it. We’ve been together so long that I just assume everybody knows we’re dating” She replied, focusing on a car passing by.  
   
They divulged deeper into the details about Octavia’s relationship. She explained to Clarke that they met at the auto shop Raven worked at a week or so after Clarke’s incarceration, and that sparks flew the moment they rested eyes on each other. She then proceeded to say that he asked her to move in with him a week ago, but hasn’t answered him about it because of her worries involving Bellamy’s possible reaction. The Blake siblings had spent most of their lives attached to the hip, and so many things would be different if her big brother wasn’t around as often.  
   
“I really want to go through with it, but I’m a little scared. It feels like I’m finally getting somewhere with my life, and Lincoln is so supportive of me wanting to go back to college to finish my business degree, but that would mean we would have to move back up to UEI and leave Los Angeles” Octavia droned on, and Clarke listened intently. She figured the brunette was dying to share this with someone.  
   
“You want to go back to college?” Clarke asked, and she nodded in response.  
   
“I just feel like I need to be further in life than I am now, and completing college opens up so many opportunities. Don’t get me wrong Clarke, I love racing cars, it’s been a huge phase in my life, but it’s just a phase. I’m ready to move on and become the kind of person I want to be” She elaborated, and Clarke nodded along to her explanation. She sounded passionate when she spoke.  
   
“That sounds like a good plan O, I think you should do it” Clarke responded, and caught a little glimmer in Octavia’s eye. It was as if Clarke’s validation brought her hope. The very idea of her seeking Clarke’s advice was heartwarming and felt as if they hadn’t just spent a year apart.  
   
“Have you ever considered going back and finishing college?” Octavia suddenly asked, catching Clarke off guard. Her brow furrowed and a frown presented itself. Octavia sensed her sudden mood drop and shifted uncomfortably under the blonde’s gaze.  
   
“No, I haven’t” Clarke responded, remaining vague. Her answer didn’t seem to surprise Octavia, but she forced a smile and bumped her shoulder against Clarke’s.  
   
“You should think about it. I know you love to race, Clarke, but at some point you’re going to get tired of running” She suggested, and the blonde quickly stiffened. Her eyes narrowed on the brunette’s insinuation, but Octavia acted as if she hadn’t said anything at all.  
   
Instead, Octavia stood up and straightened out her clothes. “I have to start getting ready for work, so I’ll catch you later?” Clarke shrugged in response, and the brunette left without another word. Clarke was alone again, but this time different thoughts plagued her mind than the ones she had come up here to indulge.  
   
For the past few years, Clarke had always focused on the present, fled from the past, and ignored the future. While it may not have been healthy, it was the only way she could think of to live with herself. Dwelling too much on the past often brought up bad memories and old emotions, and thinking about the future made her feel hopeless. All the goals she had once set for herself always felt unobtainable and unrealistic.  
   
Going back to college felt no more possible than the chances of getting romantically involved with Leca again. While there was a sliver of a chance, the past always caught up to the future to drag it down. Who was to say it could ever truly be the same as it once was?  
   
Clarke dug her fingertips into her temples at an attempt to massage away the growing headache brought on by the rushing thoughts. She figured it was time to stop thinking and made her way to the edge of the roof. Her feet dangled off the side for a moment before slowly lowering her body down enough to reach the windowsill with her toe. Once she was safe, she closed the window and stared at the space I used to call mine.  
   
There were so many memories in this room, and it pained her to think that there might never be another memory made in this space again. Clarke had no reason to be in this room, considering it was Jasper’s and there was nothing left here for her, but she longed to return to the days in which she woke up happy next to the woman she loved.  
   
Not wanting to linger in the sad nostalgia, Clarke swiftly excited Jasper’s room and found herself descending down the stairs towards the front door. After pulling on a pair of old black converse, she vacated the house mindlessly. It wasn’t until she reached the new car supplied by Lexa did she realize what Octavia had meant by running.  
   
Clarke was always running from herself, always searching for a scapegoat away from all the emotions and memories of the past. Driving fast and racing pumped the adrenaline which dragged her into a state of complete presence in the now, and it completely discarded everything in the past out the window. Never before did she thought her love for speeding reached deeper than the simplicity she believed. Clarke assumed she just adored the rush.  
   
Upon hesitance, Clarke entered the slick vehicle and situated herself in the driver’s seat. Driving would help expel the deep thoughts overrunning her brain.  
   
The engine roared to life as she pulled out of the driveway and journeyed past the urban streets towards the heart of Los Angeles. With the low hum of music, her mind finally ventured into the escape she so desperately needed.  
   
_**✦**_  
   
Clarke drove around for about an hour before she stopped to get some food at a rickety gas station near a few urban streets. She opted for a microwavable cheeseburger and a small coffee loaded with creamer and sugar. Instead of sitting to eat, she got back into my car and started down one of the urban streets.  
   
She was vaguely familiar with this location, and if her memory served her right, she was on the cusp of Azgeda territory. It was strange since she had no initial intent to wind up here, and she was nearing the location where she beat Roan Ice  
   
It was hard to recall every detail of the race, aside from the victory, but Clarke vividly remembered the argument with Lexa after. It was painful to think about how unsupportive Lexa had been, but with the light shone clearer on her intent, she appeared considerate but deceptive. While she might have been trying to watch Clarke’s back, the blonde still the betrayal of trust. Lexa didn’t trust Clarke enough to tell the blonde who she truly was. Maybe she knew Clarke well enough to know how she would react the way she did.  
   
Looking back, it wasn’t necessarily the action of her being arrested by Lexa that was traumatizing, but what it meant. Lexa had lied, and the level of trust the federal agent had in Clarke differed immensely. Clarke would have given her life to save Lexa’s, but the same couldn’t be said for the federal agent. Lexa’s philosophy was to save the millions if it meant sacrificing one person.  
   
_I guess I was that person,_ she thought.  
   
Clarke finished her burger and downed the last few drops of her coffee by the time she snapped out of her pressing thoughts. When she came to a stop sign, she glanced down to place her empty cup in the cup holder, and when she glanced back up, her heart stopped.  
   
Standing at the entrance of a small bar was none other than the man Clarke had raced with the day of the accident, and next to him with a cheeky grin was Ontari. Clarke stood frozen as she watched them converse with familiar body language. It wasn’t until the car behind her honked with impatience did she snap out of the daze she had entered. The man and Ontari had turned to see the comotion, and for a fraction of a second, their eyes made contact. Suddenly panicked, Clarke floored the gas and shot forward towards the next intersection.  
   
Her mind rushed to the night of the accident, recalling the interaction with the man. He hadn’t said anything about being apart of the Azgeda crew, in fact, he even went out of his way to state that he was a lone wolf. He knew that he if he stated his true identity, it would mean a turf war would erupt between Arcadia and Azgeda.  
   
But a terrified feeling twisted her stomach. Was it really to prevent a turf war, or was there an ulterior motive? Something about the accident had always seemed off. Her car was in perfect condition and tailored to her tase. Of course, she had brushed aside her doubts, thinking it was crazy to assume somebody would tamper with her vehicle, but an Azgedan tampering with her vehicle made it believable. They had done it before, what kept them from doing it again?  
   
The memory of the crash began to play on repeat like a relentless broken record, and Clarke couldn’t do anything to stop the haunting melody. Control slowly slipped from her grasp, and her heart began throbbing. The fear of crashing a second time drew her breaths short as she entered a panicked stage. The small space of the vehicle began to suffocate her as if the walls slowly began to minimize.  
   
After frantically searching for a place to park, Clarke drew the car to a stop and cut the engine. With shaky hands, she heaved herself out of the vehicle and stumbled away from it as if it were on fire. She tripped over the curb and toppled on to the ground. Her hands and knees scraped against the coarse side walk and she clutched my stomach. The cheeseburger and coffee threatened to expel over the surface she lumbered over, and a thin layer of cold sweat coated broke across her forehead.  
   
The outside air did nothing to satisfy her shortness of breath. No amount of oxygen she forced into her lungs satisfied the desperate craving. She attempted to stand up, but the world shook too rapidly to achieve balance. She remained on her knees and covered her face as if it might stop the world from spinning. Instead, in the blackness, she watched myself crash over and over again.  
   
Clarke reopened my eyes and fought to regain control. When she finally managed to breathe at a consistent rate, she reached into my pocket to retrieve her phone. She needed someone to talk her down, someone to pull her out of the state she had entered.  
   
Her first instinct was to call Octavia, who had dealt with these before, but her voicemail reminded Clarke that she was at work. She couldn’t call Bellamy either, since he was on his date. She tried to get Raven, but after receiving her voicemail as well, she assumed the mechanic was still asleep. She didn’t bother calling Jasper or Monty, knowing they would be too high to understand the situation.  
   
And finally, the last person on Clarke’s list answered after the first three rings.  
   
“Hey, Clarke. What’s up?” Lexa asked. The blonde opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.  
   
“Clarke?” Lexa questioned carefully. “Are you alright?” she could hear Clarke’s struggled breaths.  
   
“Lexa” The blonde desperately croaked, finding her words. She licked my lips and struggled to gulp. “I need you to come get me” her voice rasped with dryness.  
   
Clarke could hear things shuffling around before she heard Lexa speak again. “Where are you?” she asked. Clarke searched around for any notable signs or landmarks, but it was too hard to focus. She opened her mouth to speak again, but Lexa cut her off. “Nevermind, I’ll just track your phone. Stay put, I’ll be there in a bit”  
   
“Don’t hang up” Clarke blurted out quickly. She was desperate for company. Being alone was terrifying.  
   
“I won’t” Lexa replied. Clarke focused on the warmness of her voice.  
   
“Keep talking to me” the blonde breathed out, closing her eyes.  
   
And she did. She spoke slowly and each word sounded carefully thought out. She brought the blonde’s mind back, as if she were a time traveler, to the first time they met. Clarke focused solely on each word like it would kill her if she didn’t because if Lexa weren’t on the other side of the phone, Clarke would be lost to a much darker place.  
   
“I was really nervous when I first came up to you. You had this air about you” Lexa spoke with a warm fondness. “You seemed bigger than life”  
   
“Funny, that’s what I thought about you” Clarke replied, her voice breaking at the seams.  
   
The line grew silent for a moment. In her irrational state, Clarke started to worry that maybe Lexa had hung up, but one swift glance at the phone screen debunked the anxiety. The caller ID was still there.  
   
“Clarke” Lexa called, but it didn’t come from the phone. The blonde looked up to see her approaching.  
   
“Lexa…” Clarke muttered, clenching her jaw at the stinging sensation watering her eyes. She stumbled to her feet from the curb and met Lexa halfway. Clarke flung her arms around Lexa’s shoulders and their bodies crashed, sending the federal agent backwards a step or two.  
   
Lexa hesitantly reciprocated the contact, and the way her body molded itself around Clarke’s felt so familiar. The blonde clutched tightly on to Lexa’s blazer and buried her nose in the nape of the brunette’s neck. The smell of her piney perfume invaded Clarke’s lungs like it had done many times before.  
   
Lexa held the blonde cautiously as if she were about to crumble away. Clarke reluctantly pulled away, but her touch still lingered. She bore deep into the federal agent’s emerald eyes and her heart fluttered at warmth and concern spread through the gaze.  
   
“What happened?” Lexa asked, thinking Clarke had calmed down enough to revisit the cause of her fit. THe brunette coaxed out her answer by curling a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear.  
   
Clarke told her exactly what happened. How she saw the man outside of the bar speaking and trading laughs with Ontari as if she were an old friend. Her anxieties poured out of her mouth, and when she started to get worked up again, Lexa traced the blonde’s knuckles over with the softness of her thumb. Clarke’s body seemed to betray the rationalization of her brain, telling her that she shouldn’t let Lexa’s touches impact her for fear of yet another heartbreak, but it ignored the plea and absorbed the warmth Lexa radiated.  
   
“I believe you” Lexa said, the coolness of her voice oozing sincerity. Clarke’s eyes widened, and her heart skipped a beat. Just like that, she was convinced? Clarke had just been rambling on like a madwoman, and somehow her theories proved coherence?  
   
“You do?” She asked with the sparkle of validation in her blue orbs.  
   
“Of course. You’re many things, Clarke. Beautiful, passionate, driven, and often stubborn. But a liar isn’t one of them” Lexa replied with her words rolling off of her tongue like warm honey. Heat spread through Clarke’s chest and her heart yearned to forget everything that had happened between them that ruined moments like these. For a fraction of a second, she wanted to crash her lips against Lexa’s and revisit the home she had once built inside the brunette.  
   
Clarke crushed every yearn to taste those familiar lips and tore her grasp away from the comforting grasp. All the stress seeped from her shoulders and gathered on the bridge of her nose where she pinched it.  When she return my gaze to Lexa, Clarke’s shoulders deflated further at the perplexed look constructed on her face. She looked hurt.  
   
“Can you bring me home? I don’t think I can drive myself back” Clarke asked, avoiding Lexa’s gaze by staring at her eyebrows.  
   
“Yes, of course” Lexa replied, her voice rasping with quietness.  
   
The walk towards Lexa’s car was short lived, and the drive over towards the house was quiet aside from the occasional blinker. Clarke watched Azgeda territory disappear in the side mirror, and it felt as if she could breathe easier. The further away she got from Ontari and her goon made her anxiety dull down to a murmur.  
   
They arrived to the house after a good 20 minute drive. Quietly they sat as the engine ran before Clarke got up to leave, but Lexa grabbed her wrist to keep her from leaving. Her touch was cold from the air conditioning, and goosebumps traveled up Clarke’s skin.  
   
“Clarke, I know you. You can’t confront him or Ontari” She said, her voice low and cool. The blonde nodded, and the agent’s touch receded. Clarke gave her a weak, reassuring smile before stepping out of the vehicle and swinging the door shut.  
   
Clarke watched her drive off. Her mind wandered back to the moment where she thought about kissing Lexa. Her jaw clenched at the thought, and her eyes squeezed shut.  
   
“Fuck”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I updated sooner than a month, and with so much more. My secret? I finally made an outline. So far I have about up to chapter 9 planned. I might not exceed 12 chapters, it depends. But hey! The plot won't be as confusing. I think I did well on this chapter (I've been really trying to work on my writing skill)  
> if you wish to contact me, or see that I'm still alive, I can be found on tumblr @obscene_sunset. Some writing tips and random snippets of my frustrations are there  
> Keep it real, my dudes!  
> Stay tuned for more


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